"I don't know what to say, except it's Christmas and we're all in misery."
Following a week in which:
- Europe banned travel to and from the UK.
- We found out the new COVID variant was even more contagious than the normal COVID.
- Boris Johnson ruined Christmas.
We at 90min's DEPR headquarters feel that you need some Christmas cheer in your lives.
So, in order to get all Christmassy and happy and stuff, we've decided to rank the 15 best football teams in Europe using quotes from your (and our) favourite Christmas films.
Yes, this really is the thing that will help you forget that Boris ruined Christmas.
15. Sporting CP (New Entry)
"Welcome to the party, pal." (Die Hard)
After three years, Sporting CP have FINALLY made it into the Definitive European Power Rankings.
And they've squeezed in at number 15 because they're currently top of the Primeira Liga, having won eight of their first ten games of the league season.
Welcome to the party, Sporting.
14. Barcelona (Re-Entry)
"One man's life touches so many others, when he's not there it leaves an awfully big hole." (It's a Wonderful Life)
Another week, another record.
This week the record Lionel Messi broke was only a wee small tiny one - it was just Pele's 'most goals for a single club' record.
Where would Barcelona be without him?
13. LOSC Lille (Re-Entry)
"No, you are a hallucination brought on by alcohol. Russian vodka poisoned by Chernobyl!" (Scrooged)
No, you are not enduring some hallucination brought on by Russian vodka poisoned by Chernobyl, Lille really are back in the Definitive European Power Rankings.
Following their impressive start to the season we, like many of you, thought that Lille would tail off and finish mid-table in Ligue 1. But that does not look like it's happening.
Instead, the French club are still top of Ligue 1 and look like they might actually challenge Paris Saint-Germain's dominance this season.
12. Leicester City (Re-Entry)
"It’s pretty good. A little too good." (Elf)
Leicester City's squad: pretty good.
Leicester City's manager: pretty good.
Leicester City's win over Tottenham Hotspur: pretty good.
The fact that Leicester City are second in the Premier League table: .a little too good. Expect them to fall off soon enough, but you know, enjoy it while it lasts Foxes fans!
11. Atletico Madrid (Down 7)
"Fly to the promised land, little buddy." (Home Alone)
Despite the recent defeat at the hands of Real Madrid, Atleti are still sitting very, very, very pretty atop La Liga.
'How pretty is very, very, very pretty though?'
Three points clear of second place with a game in hand.
'Oh, well that is pretty pretty.'
10. RB Leipzig (Re-Entry)
"I believe, I believe, I believe." (Miracle on 34th Street)
Despite selling their best player of all time (Timo Werner), RB Leipzig are still flying high in the Bundesliga.
Julian Nagelsmann's men are just two points adrift of Bayern Munich at the top of the league, and look like they can genuinely challenge for the title this season.
9. Everton (Re-Entry)
"You just sit there. And be all magical and awesome." (Klaus)
Carlo Ancelotti is a magical and awesome manager.
In less than year the Italian has transformed once meme-fodder Everton into a seriously good football team who look set to qualify for European competition for the first time in three seasons.
8. Olympique Lyonnais (New Entry)
"Hallelujah! Holy sh*t! Where's the Tylenol?" (National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation)
It looks like Lyon have found their early 2000s form again! The French side have bounded up the table in recent weeks and are now joint top of Ligue 1 thanks to a fantastic win over PSG.
They're back, baybee!
7. Rangers (-)
"It's everything I dreamed it would be."
"Could all this be nothing but a dream?"
"No." (The Polar Express)
Speaking of teams that are 'back', Rangers are too.
They've played 18 league games this season, they've drawn two, won 16, scored 50 goals and only conceded five.
Plus, to top it all off, they're 16 points clear of 'ten in a row'-chasing Celtic.
This season is everything Rangers dreamed it would be.
6. Manchester United (Re-Entry)
"That's what you get when you mess with the postman." (Klaus)
Leeds United.what the f*** was that? Why play exactly the way everyone knows you shouldn't play against Man Utd?
A 6-2 thrashing was exactly what Leeds deserved for being, well, dumb, but let's give some much-deserved credit to Man Utd for dishing out said thrashing too.
They were brilliant on Sunday. Absolutely brilliant. And the player who was most brilliant of all was Scott McTominay, who ran the show in a gaping midfield - scoring a brace in the process.
That's what you get when mess with the McSauceman.
5. Inter (Up 10)
"Now I have a machine gun. Ho, ho, ho." (Die Hard)
Romelu Lukaku's 2020/21 Serie A season:
Lukaku is Inter's machine gun. Ho, ho, ho.
4. Real Madrid (Re-Entry)
"There are two things in this life I hate: heights, and jumping from them." (The Muppet Christmas Carol)
There are two things in this life that Real Madrid hate: losing, and being told that they're nothing without Cristiano Ronaldo.
By winning their last five games on the trot, they've done a pretty good job of quelling both recently.
3. Bayern Munich (Down 1)
"We're gonna have the hap-hap-happiest Christmas." (National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation)
Top of the Bundesliga at Christmas.again.
Bayern Munich, despite being without the best player in the world (Joshua Kimmich), are still the team to beat in Germany.
2. AC Milan (Down 1)
“You can mess with a lot of things, but you can't mess with kids on Christmas.” (Home Alone 2: Lost in New York)
You can mess with a lot of things, but you can't mess with AC Milan's kids this season.
I Rossoneri fielded a team with an average age of 22 at the weekend and still managed to beat high-flying Sassoulo and extend their unbeaten run to 13 Serie A games this season.
They're now the only unbeaten team in Europe's top five leagues. Impressive stuff.
1. Liverpool (Up 5)
"You guys give up yet? Or are you thirsty for more?" (Home Alone)
Well.that was a statement week for Liverpool, wasn't it?
The Reds proved, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that they are the best team in England in their last two games by beating title-challenging Tottenham Hotspur 2-1 at Anfield, and recording their biggest away win in Premier League history with a 7-0 rout of Crystal Palace at Selhurst Park.
Tottenham, Man Utd, Chelsea, Leicester, Man City - it's time to give up. Liverpool are too good.