Source: Eurosport
TM: We'll pass our way to safety
They do not taunt you withrude songs on the Match of the Day sofa.
At least notlive on air anyway.
They do not prepare you for the reality of facing Stoke's aerial bombardment.
Finishing school: Andy Carroll celebrates his goal, having had striking lessons from Alan Shearer
And they do not tell you what to do when one of your senior strikers pulls out at the last minute with a mystery groin strain.
You can guess which of those issues was weighing most heavily on Alan Shearer's mind as he left the Britannia Stadium on Saturday night after picking up his first point as Newcastle boss from his first away game.
Pride over his team's ability to fightback for a draw gave way to simmering indignation at the way Obafemi Martins had cried off on the morning of the match.
While young Andy Carroll's equalising header bore the Shearer hallmark, it is hard to imagine the former England striker letting his team-mates down before such an important contest.
Shearer could not say as much.
But he made it quite clear this was one lesson in his crash course in football management he could well have done without.
'Oba rang and said he'd woken up with a sore groin and was unable to play,' said Shearer.
Newcastle United's Obafemi Martins (left)withdrew himself from the Magpies squad to face Stoke
'We have to believe him. But I wasn't too happy that I got the call at 11am, particularly after we trained on Thursday and Friday and had massages on Friday evening and there was no sign of it.
'He didn't sleep in, that's not true. And we were meeting just after 11 o'clock, so he hasn't broken any curfews.
Tony Mowbray refuses to betray his footballing principles as he prays for the miracle that will keep West Brom in the Premier League.
Spirit and endeavour were not enough to prevent the Baggies from being held to a 2-2 draw against Portsmouth on Saturday, an outcome that nudged them ever closer to relegation.
The Championship may be beckoning - they sit seven points adrift of safety with six matches remaining - yet manager Mowbray remains defiant.
Instead of raising the white flag, the West Brom boss will continue to demand his team pass their way to a remarkable escape act.
"What would be the benefits if we stopped playing football?" Mowbray said.
"Would we have beaten Portsmouth if we'd played eight behind the ball and banged it up front?
"The way we play and the opportunities we create mean it's better to carry on with what we're doing.
"I don't think it's over yet. If we win three of our last six we've got a chance. We just have to keep going.
"It would have been nice to have taken three points from Portsmouth and head to Manchester City believing we could win.
"If I felt the hope and belief had gone and that the players were chucking the towel in, it would be impossible to ask them to keep playing the way they are."
Should the lights go out on West Brom's third Premier League campaign, Mowbray can at least take consolation from the knowledge that efforts to secure an immediate return will be conducted on a sound financial footing.
In contrast, big-spending Portsmouth are losing money, in debt, and up for sale.
"We're a club that has no debt whatsoever and won't go into debt," said Mowbray.
"Yet Portsmouth announced this week they made a £16.6million loss last year when they won the FA Cup.
"I would suggest that's because they buy players who cost money.
"My chairman would say, 'Go ask the fans of Leeds United and Nottingham Forest what's the best way'.
"As a coach I want the best players on the pitch, but it's not down to me to put the club in jeopardy.
"The fans care passionately about the club and there's always a balance to strike between carrying a huge debt and having better players on the pitch."
