Tim Chalmers - That Was The Sporting Week

03 July 2009 10:07
IN a sorry indication of the club’s fall from grace, only five fans turn up to watch Newcastle United on their first day of pre-season training. Two are immediately offered the opportunity to buy the club and one is given 15 minutes to see how he goes at centre forward. CRISTIANO RONALDO admits to smashing a car window in a rage, but claims his actions were justified. ‘My tan didn’t look orange in the reflection, it made me so mad.’ *** FREDDIE Flintoff is in hot water again after oversleeping and missing the team bus on an England bonding weekend to the World War battlefields of northern Europe. Apparently, Freddie was once more suffering the consequences after a late night at the bar, but many commentators believe the widespread criticism of the cricket all-rounder to be an over-reaction. It’s not as if he restaged the Normandy landings in his pedalo or anything disrespectful like that, is it? *** MICHAEL VAUGHAN announces his retirement from all cricket and is immediately handed a job as ‘ECB ambassador to the touring side’ for the Ashes. His brief is to ‘hang around Australia's dressing room making sure they have enough dvds of the 2005 series to watch in their spare time and generally unnerving Ricky Ponting all over again with his superior tactical grasp of the game.’ *** CRICKET officials at the ICC are considering reducing Test matches to four days in duration – no doubt in an attempt to cram ever more money-making fixtures into the international calendar. I tell you what, why don’t we make Tests 20-overs a side with only ten minutes between innings and play all of them on the sub-continent where the biggest crowds and sponsorship deals are guaranteed? That might work. *** DOES anyone object if I take Bernard Madoff’s Yankees tickets? *** MEMO to self: remember to book a day off work for the ladies’ quarter-finals at Wimbledon next year – in order to catch up on some sleep. *** SECOND memo to self: remember to watch the Venus Williams semi-final because it should be a cracker. What do you mean it’s already finished? *** IT suddenly dawns on Wimbledon fans what is missing from this year’s tournament – Tim Henman’s parents sitting in the players’ box. That’s right, Mr Henman with his wacky Hawaiian shirts and unnecessary outbursts of foul language, Mrs Henman in her deliberately provocative, low-cut summer frocks, swigging freely from a can of super strength lager during crucial points. The modern game is poorer without these characters. *** SOUTH AFRICAN rugby denounces eye-gouging as totally unacceptable, on the day national hero Schalk Burger is sworn in as the country’s new minister of sport. ‘What happened with Schalk was wrong and casts a shadow over our glorious game,’ said a Springbok official. ‘There is no way he should even have been sin-binned.’ *** REFUSING to throw in the towel despite losing the series 2-0, the British Lions rugby team are believed to be working on a cunning new ploy to give them every chance of a consolation win in the final Test of the South Africa tour. They will all wear flying goggles. *** SPRINGBOK coach Peter de Villiers is confirmed as keynote speaker for a conference promoting peace in the Middle East. Compere for the delicate talks will be England Under-21 football coach Stuart Pearce.

Source: Daily_Mail