Source: Daily_Mail
THAT WAS THE SPORTING WEEK: Saint Kev to the rescue, Joey Barton finds his level, fashion victim Rio
SOUTH-COAST messiah Kevin Keegan is rumoured to be on the verge of rescuing former club Southampton.
Undetered by Keegan's reputation for running away when the going gets tough, a Saints insider confirmed: 'We are planning for the long term on this one. All the furniture for the manager's office will be leased for the full two-month period offered by the outfitters and although the initials on Kevin's tracksuit will be attached by velcro, that is purely to help the ladies at the launderette.'
NEWCASTLE UNITED decide not to publish their fixture list for next season. The fans have suffered enough.
*** ST JAMES' Park officials illustrate that they still haven't really got the hang of running a football club when details of a £10million bonus scheme paid to the relegated Newcastle squad emerge.
A confused director proudly announces: 'The bonuses will rise to £20m if the players continue their freefall through the Championship and all the way down into the Blue Square Premier. It's a reverse pyramid payment designed to stretch the team to its limits.'
*** ENGLAND Under-21s have been practising penalty taking with coach Stuart Pearce before their European Championship campaign. James Milner show she has been listening and learning from Pearce by missing against Spain.
*** FOOTBALL bad-boy Joey Barton sets tongues wagging when he is welcomed into the Royal Enclosure at Ascot, but an awful lot of litter can accumulate around the stands if you don't have an experienced binman on patrol.
Asked about his big day out, Barton said: 'It's rubbish, but it's picking up.'
*** WITH Manchester United desperately searching for a new talisman, Rio Ferdinand steps forward to fill the gaping void left by Cristiano Ronaldo's departure.
Rio tackles Ronnie's role to perfection -starting with the summer holiday fashion disaster which the Portuguese star had made his own.
Rio's denim briefs and floral crop top do the job nicely, but he is said to be reluctant about wearing the all-body bronzing wax during important European matches.
Unless you are female yourself, in which case you get to captain Britain's Federation Cup team on a weekend to suit you.
*** WILLIE Carson is in hot tipping form at Ascot. Watching an American horse walking around the paddock, Carson squeaks: 'Goodness me, he looks all set to deliver the business.' Sure enough, the horse immediately makes a sizeable, steaming deposit live on television.
*** UNDERFIRE Bath Rugby Club go in hard to tackle the problems brought to light by their players' end of season fight and allegations of widespread substance abuse within the squad following the shaming of Matt Stevens.
Bath announce the implementation of a set of Core Behavioural Values.
That should sort it.
*** LEWIS Hamilton promises to call up Prime Minister Gordon Brown for support in the fight to save Silverstone.
The PM should be perfectly suited to Grand Prix - going around in circles wasting a great deal of money and getting absolutely nowhere.
Please note: No elite sporting icons were harmed in the writing of this column.
