12.00 THE HEADLINES THIS HOUR
The agents of Ledley King and Jermain Defoe have been instructed to hit the phones this morning after Harry Redknapp laid out plans to introduce a booze ban at Spurs.
Rafa Benitez has complained that a lack of transfer funds is the reason Liverpool have failed to win the Premier Le sorry, I can't even bring myself to finish that.
And Frank Ribery has been linked with a summer move to Real Madrid, which explains "thick" winger Cristiano Ronaldo's current tantruming.
FULHAM CAN KEEP US TICKLED
Newcastle have provided gags by the gigatonne this season, but surely the best punchline is this: They now think they're safe. Pah!
Perhaps understandably, leaving the bottom three has made some Tooners a little giddy. And the fervour (which Geordies must be fed at nursery instead of milk) has been further whipped up by the so-called tactical masterstroke employed by their managerial deity last night
Needing a win, Alan Shearer introduced two strikers. That those strikers scored meant Shearer succeeded on the night. But that's all they mean.
I needed to catch a bus this morning, so I stood at the bus stop. That bus then arrived. Am I a genius? No. I am just a bloke who caught a bus.
For Tooners though, Shearer is not just a bloke who won a match. He is The Saviour. He can do no wrong.
That perception of perfection is hardly Shearer's fault, of course. But it does make you wonder what will happen when Newcastle inevitably lose to Fulham on Saturday.
Currently the Premier League's best team outside of the top four, Fulham are just the kind of pragmatic, well-organised, resolute outfit who will love playing against a Newcastle side seemingly relying on pure emotion to stave off relegation.
They're the kind of team that have shown up Newcastle all season. And thankfully for those tickled pink by Newcastle's mirth-filled season, Fulham will extend the hilarity for another week at least.