Source: Daily_Mail
THAT WAS THE SPORTING WEEK: Exclusive! What Fergie can say under new FA rules...
In keeping with Sporting Week's hard-earned reputation for unearthing searing exclusives, a contentious and highly-sensitive FA document has now come into our possession.[LNB]With Sir Alex Ferguson in trouble for his mean-spirited personal attack on referee Alex Wiley, the governing body are set to publish guidelines which all managers will be expected to adhere to when commenting on games.[LNB]Sporting Week has discovered that the FA is compiling a list of acceptable statements - intended to cover all inflammatory subjects - which will be the only verbal responses available to Fergie and his fellow bosses after matches, however angry or disillusioned they might feel.[LNB] Under orders: Manchester United boss Sir Alex Ferguson[LNB]Here are the proposed phrases, showing what managers are permitted say and what they would have said in the old days.[LNB]1. The alarming tension visibly being applied to the referee's high-tech match garment from within, particularly around the gluteus maximus and lower frontal torso regions, inevitably hampered his cardio-vascular capacity, resulting in a dramatic downturn in his aggregate match yardage[LNB]The referee is a right porker. His backside was bursting out of his shorts. He never got within 40 yards of play.[LNB]2. I feel it is pertinent to highlight the match official's ongoing and pressing focus issues concerning the identification and subsequent punishment of any defender making an illegal challenge.[LNB]The referee is blind, how did he miss that neck-high tackle?[LNB] More from Tim Chalmers... 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While accepting the problems and pitfalls of carrying out a thankless and high-profile role without which our sport would immediately become untenable, it would be beneficial to the referee's personal development and to the game of football in general if he considered the admittedly drastic measure of searching for alternative employment at the earliest opportunity.[LNB]Let's pray we never get this comedian again.4 The issue of simulation is making it increasingly difficult for our put-upon officials to adjudicate on penalty area contact issues, vis-a-vis the awarding of a spot kick.[LNB]It was a stonewall penalty. I hope he's happy with getting us relegated.[LNB]3. It is understandable that the heated and emotional atmosphere created by a capacity 75,000 crowd might play on an official's mind and we should certainly allow some leeway if his resultant decision-making errs to one side of the neutral.[LNB]It's always the same when you come to Old Trafford. You tell me where he found six minutes of 'Fergie time'4. On this occasion, the 22 onfield players perhaps manipulated the referee's somewhat lax controlling of the crucial areas of discipline and respect, resulting in a higher than average incidence of overtly physical male dominance behavioural patterns.[LNB]It turned into a war, the referee completely lost control. Their full back has kicked our winger into the stands and got away with murder[LNB]5. It may be useful for all the match officials to inter-face verbally before kick off in future, in order to specifically define their ongoing roles. This would avoid a needless cross-fertilization of responsibilities leading to confusion and frustration among players and backroom staff alike.[LNB]The ref was asking his assistant for help the whole time, why didn't they just swap places?[LNB] The future's bright: Alan Wiley can now relax... can't he?[LNB]6. While appreciating that it is human nature to try and earn anadvantage which may benefit a team, goals-for-and-against-wise, I mustadmit to feeling mystified as to the level of intimacy developed oversuch a brief period and in such a public setting between the referee'sassistant and my opposing manager.[LNB]The way the linesman was cuddling up to Sir Alex, I thought they were about to announce their engagement.[LNB]5. Suffice to say that certain matters concerning the traceableancestry of the match official were brought to my attention on aregular basis and at high volume by the more vocal elements of thematchday support.[LNB]Who's the b****** in the black?[LNB]6. The competitive nature of sport being what it is - and allowingfor user error, global warming and natural wastage - you cannot winevery game, either percentage-wise or in real time.[LNB]We was robbed[LNB] In keeping with Draconian punishments already given out to managers for attacking officials, any boss found straying from the above script will be dealt with harshly and swiftly. They will either be sent to their room with no tea or told they cannot watch television after 5pm, depending on the level of offence.[LNB]Please note: no elite sporting icons were harmed in the writing of this column.[LNB]
