Des Kelly: Time for **** ***** to write his own story

28 May 2011 11:07
ShareDoes anyone else have this strange feeling that **** ***** is going to emerge from endless weeks of gossip and pathetic legal posturing holding the Champions League trophy aloft? [LNB]That is how a Hollywood scriptwriter would have it; first the years of unparalleled success, a spectacular fall from grace and ensuing public scandal, then a moment of redemption, a ticker-tape parade, roll the credits, The End. [LNB]Obviously, they'd have to pixelate the face of ***** throughout and his voice would have to be dubbed by an actor, but what a fascinating tale it would be. The story of how ***** won the cup. I'd watch, or at least I'd watch the parts I was allowed to and then wait for all the censored excerpts to be leaked on the internet. [LNB] Eyes on the prize: Ryan Giggs won't allow his focus to wander at Wembley on Saturday evening[LNB]Sport and football in particular has a habit of throwing up extraordinary dramas that even the B-movie studio responsible for Santa Claus Conquers The Martians would dismiss as implausible. [LNB]It was Sir Alex Ferguson who gasped 'Football - bloody hell' after the ridiculous injury-time Champions League comeback against Bayern Munich in 1999. [LNB]Get more from Des on Twittertwitter.com/DesKellyDMRoll on a dozen years and he has been cursing again, albeit for entirely different reasons, as a scenario unfolds at Wembley with even greater dramatic potential.[LNB]Making history: Giggs is chasing his third European Cup[LNB]United face FC Barcelona, a team unanimously hailed as the best in the world and their conquerors of 2009. The Wembley stage is set for act two. Blinking in the spotlight's glare is Manchester United's most experienced and decorated player. As if the challenge wasn't enough, questions centre on whether the pressures of his self-inflicted scandals will prove too much for *****? [LNB]Will ***** even be on the teamsheet? And is Ferguson going to try to ban every reporter in Europe if they dare to ask how ***** played afterwards? [LNB]But if ever there was a footballer that does not deserve to be remembered as a censored ***** in a newspaper page then it is Ryan Giggs. His name should be associated with a legacy more enduring than a spectacularly inept spat to buy anonymity involving bullish lawyers and a Big Brother nonentity. [LNB]Giggs may not have behaved perfectly in his private life, yet he is hardly alone on that score and none of the gossip and ill-advised posturing should detract from the enduring excellence of his performances stretching back over two decades.[LNB] On the field he has always conducted himself impeccably. Giggs has never received a red card for United, he has won everything the club game has to offer, broken every appearance record and, despite accusations that he has 'cashed in on his saintly image' (copyright all female columnists), he has generally conducted his life throughout with little fanfare and a minimum of fuss.[LNB]Until lately, that is. Trying to fathom what might have been going through his mind in the past couple of weeks has strained my powers of comprehension. [LNB] No fears: United boss Sir Alex Ferguson is likely to name Giggs in his starting line-up against Barcelona[LNB]What started out as an ignoble bout of self-preservation quickly spiralled out of control. Surely that was the time to give in and allow any kiss-and-tell tedium to run its forgettable course. [LNB]Instead, Giggs ploughed on, presumably on the advice of his lawyers, busily feeding fires of indignation with his cash while MPs and even the Prime Minister were drawn into the media maelstrom. And so a two-day tabloid fuss about a footballer and a fame-hungry reality show contestant became a phenomenal nationwide debate encompassing the misuse of wealth, unjust laws and the difference between privacy and secrecy. [LNB]   More from Des Kelly... Des Kelly: Backing Avram Grant was the West Ham board's big mistake...21/05/11 Des Kelly: We really need a Wembley classic to resuscitate the FA Cup13/05/11 Des Kelly: How do you stop Messi? Sir Alex might just know!06/05/11 Des Kelly: Jose Mourinho has a point, Barcelona DO get away with it29/04/11 Des Kelly: Stress? Managers should just think of their ?3m salaries23/04/11 Des Kelly: Farcical exodus illustrates FA's serious contempt for football fans15/04/11 Des Kelly: I'll cut out the curses - Rooney can do it too!08/04/11 Des Kelly: You don't ask for respect... you demand it01/04/11 VIEW FULL ARCHIVE  Unwittingly on his part one assumes, since he has never come across as arrogant, Giggs was cast as a trailblazer by some legal brain and shoved out to fight the press, Twitter, the worldwide web and, by the end of this idiotic farce, the general public, too. [LNB]It was never going to end well. Even the guy sitting on the cavalry's fastest horse when the major general ordered the Light Brigade to 'Charge!' had better prospects. [LNB]People can moralise and say he was stupid to have an affair. Personally, aside from experiencing mild disappointment that I suddenly know about his personal life after all these years, an absence of knowledge I had previously enjoyed, I'm not overly interested. It is essentially an issue between him and his wife. [LNB]What is undoubtedly stupid, however, is that there are currently between 70 and 80 injunctions in play in the great 'privacy battle' and the only one you will remember concerns Giggs and the D-list telly totty with a D cup. [LNB]Mention of cups reminds me there is an important match to address. Giggs at least has the opportunity to write another chapter in his story. [LNB]Those suspecting he will be too distracted to contribute at Wembley are likely to be disappointed. Although the saga has flared lately, it has dragged on behind the scenes for months, yet Giggs's form has, if anything, improved while he has been in the eye of this hurricane of hot air and gossip.[LNB] If United are to have any chance of beating Barcelona they will certainly require Giggs to achieve the same level of performance he displayed in the decisive contests with Chelsea and Schalke.[LNB] If so, United can steal their third European crown, possibly in extra time, and what a story it will be if Giggs does prove to be the match-winner. [LNB]I should point out that I am already working on the script and casting for the part of Imogen. And if anyone claims they had the rights before me I'll sue - including *****. [LNB]Welcome to the Hotel Can't Afford Ya If you are in town for the Champions League final, can I welcome you to rip-off London. It'll cost you, mind.[LNB] I tried to book a hotel on the night of the game and the Camden Lock Holiday Inn genuinely quoted me a price of ?719 for one night. [LNB]The woman promised the room 'backed on to the lock and had fantastic views', bringing Basil Fawlty's famous rant to mind. Fantastic views of what? Sydney Opera House, perhaps? The Hanging Gardens of Babylon? Herds of wildebeest sweeping majestically...? [LNB]As a deposit, they asked me to cut off a finger and send it in the post. And yes, I obviously made that up. As if one finger would have ever been enough. [LNB]Bodes well for the London Olympics though, doesn't it? [LNB] Cesc's not bothered - let him go Cesc Fabregas is a marvellous example for any club captain. He provides a peerless demonstration of how not to do the job. [LNB]As rudderless Arsenal drifted to the end of another anti-climactic campaign at Fulham, the injured skipper was busy posting pictures of himself on Twitter swanning around at the Spanish Grand Prix. [LNB]It was a remarkable shrug of disinterest, regardless of the babble coming out of the club about how he went with 'permission'. [LNB]I can't imagine stalwart Arsenal captains like Frank McLintock, Kenny Sansom or Tony Adams being so loosely committed to the cause or asking to cry off on a match day, not until opening hours anyway. [LNB]But, when Fabregas was given the armband, I questioned the call, mainly because he declared he was staying on sufferance after his Barcelona move folded. [LNB]Talented as he is, it is time to sell and for Arsene Wenger to use the money to add backbone and serious leadership to Arsenal's line up.[LNB]Incidentally, Liverpool captain Steven Gerrard was also injured for the last game of the season. I know because he was pictured watching his team from the stands, nowhere near any grand prix. [LNB]Bernie's scant reward Having achieved promotion back to the top flight, Queens Park Rangers rewarded their celebrating supporters for a decade-and-a-half of patient devotion with a season-ticket price rise of 40 per cent.[LNB]Some reward. QPR's owners might as well have punched every fan squarely in the face and then congratulated them for having such punchable faces. [LNB]Remember QPR will pick up ?90million for going into the Barclays Premier League, mere pocket money for a club already bankrolled by Lakshmi Mittal, Britain's richest man, and Bernie Ecclestone, who somehow scrapes by on ?2,500m. [LNB] Rich man: But Bernie Ecclestone's fortune hasn't stopped him increasing season ticket prices at QPR by 40%[LNB]To his credit Mittal's representative on the board resigned in disgust at the hike, but major stakeholder Ecclestone appears untroubled about screwing the paying public. [LNB]The F1 mogul admits he has little interest in football - he prefers Chelsea - and the word is Flavio Briatore, the Crashgate cheat (allegedly), is really driving QPR's greedy pretensions. [LNB]The club badge has already been re-styled to look like a 1970s aftershave logo, now fans are bearing the cost of the strategy to make Rangers a 'boutique club'. And you have to say it stinks.[LNB]Rodgers climb is good for all The best of luck to Swansea City in the Championship play-off final. It's not that I have anything against Reading, they are a fine club, but I will be climbing Kilimanjaro with Swansea boss Brendan Rodgers in a couple of weeks for Marie Curie and if he fails to reach the Premier League it is going to be grim being stuck up a mountain with him for 10 days. Details at: www.justgiving.com/Des-Kelly[LNB]Blatter bull*@!*FIFA, the rancid body who are supposed to govern world football, are sinking into their own cesspit of corruption, bribery and vice. Amid it all stands Sepp Blatter, a truly preposterous figure, holding his nose and pretending his part of the garden still smells of roses while others chuck manure around on his behalf. [LNB] Uneasy: FIFA president Sepp Blatter appears to be showing the strain[LNB]But there are signs the scandals are getting to him as a bitter re-election vote nears. In a bizarre verbal swipe at his British critics, he said: 'When a Swiss farmer's neighbour has a cow and he has none, the less fortunate farmer will work twice as hard so he can buy a cow, too. [LNB]'When another farmer elsewhere - say an island - has no cow but his neighbour does, that farmer will kill the cow out of sheer malice. [LNB]'I'd rather be a Swiss farmer, like it or not.' [LNB]Personally, I'd rather shoot the cow, serve it for dinner with relish, breed a new herd and finally put an end to Blatter's bull. [LNB]  [LNB]  Explore more:People: Alex Ferguson, Ryan Giggs, Tony Adams, Sepp Blatter, Flavio Briatore, Bernie Ecclestone, Brendan Rodgers, Steven Gerrard Places: Barcelona, Liverpool, London, Europe

Source: Daily_Mail