Jonathan Woodgate says Jermain Defoe is as good as Lio Messi, which is exactly the type of LOL you need on a miserable November morning.
David Beckham uses an inhaler for his asthma. Unlike his wife, who uses an inhaler for her entire calorific consumption.
Speculation that Fiorentina have bribed already-qualified Lyon to throw tonight's Champions League clash has increased after news emerged that Jean-Alain Boumsong is set to start for the Frenchies.
And Yossi Benayoun insists the Serbian housewife currently getting her hands dirty massaging the Premier League's walking wounded is using human not horse placenta. 'There were no animal parts used and no injections. She told me she would be using fluid from a placenta that had come from a woman.' Eee. Ugh.
AS BLUE AS HIS FAVOURITE BOOTS
How To Impress Your Manager, by Ryan Babel.
1. Do an exclusive interview with The Sun.
2. Do an exclusive interview with The Sun the day before a Champions League game worth about £10 million.
3. Do an exclusive interview with The Sun the day before a Champions League game worth about £10 million in which you bitch about your treatment by your manager and your selfish team-mates.
4. Moan about not being able to wear your favourite blue boots because 'blue is Everton's colour and Liverpool and Everton are rivals in everything.'
5. Do all that after scoring just 17 goals in two and a half years, at a cost of £700,000 per goal.
6. Tell lies. Like this: 'I have shown I can do it plenty of times.'
7. Ask rhetorical questions that no one agrees with: "Isn't it unbelievable that in my first year I got chosen as Talent of the Year? And a season later I hardly play and without getting a proper chance."
8. Talk like you're in the Hannah Montana fan club: "Dirk Kuyt? I don't really hang out with him. Dirk got accepted in the group of the Spanish-speaking players. He is very friendly with them and it looks as if he understands their jokes."
9. Suggest your manager isn't selecting you because of some long-standing and unreasonable grudge. 'I don't know if it has anything to do with my little trip to the Olympics. I know the manager wanted me to stay.' (9b. Ignore the fact that Javier Mascherano, who also went to the Olympics in 2008, has played almost every game since for Liverpool.)
10. Do all of the above while injured.
How To Cheer Up Liverpool Fans, by Ryan Babel.
1. 'We have agreed to look at my situation in the winter. If there's no improvement then, I have to be honest, I want to be somewhere else.'
Quote of the day: ""For f***'s sake the World Cup is in June. You cannot be serious. For me, the big season is with Arsenal, not at the World Cup." Vuvuzela-blowing Arsenal boss Arsène Wenger just can't wait for the action to start in South Africa
Must read: Jeremy Wilson on why Arsenal are exposed without Thierry Henry
Bet of the day: Inter Milan to beat Barcelona @ 4/1.