DES KELLY: Well done Rafa Benitez, you've got the Liverpool fans fooled

24 October 2009 00:01
Newton's nemesis: Liverpool boss Rafa Benitez[LNB]Rafa Benitez is in the midst of Liverpool's worst run of results in 22 years. This is why thousands of supporters are planning to march to the ground tomorrow to stage an angry demonstration against the club's owners. [LNB]Seriously, how does he do it? Hypnosis? Smoke and mirrors? If Benitez threw himself off the top of The Liver Building I suspect there would be people waving placards blaming Sir Isaac Newton for his sudden downfall. [LNB]Assuming there is no elaborate Derren Brown mind control experiment being conducted here, perhaps we should all form a queue directly behind the Anfield manager on Judgment Day as it will undoubtedly be the safest place to be.[LNB] He is a man who is never truly called to account. Four straight defeats, the prospect of an ignominious Champions League exit at the first group stage, and a long season of doing nothing more productive than playing catch up with Aston Villa and Tottenham looms.[LNB] But according to the spokesman for one fans' group, the fingers of blame are being pointed directly at 'two culprits - George Gillett and Tom Hicks'. Not at the manager, but at the boardroom. Benitez must do cartwheels of joy every day in thanks for the distraction they provide. [LNB]He is the boss who has spent £232 million on 76 players to improve his team and yet, even in this slump, few on Merseyside seem to be asking what the hell has happened. [LNB]Instead, they are falling for the old line that he is somehow hard done by. The focus of anger remains resolutely on the US investors, men who have admittedly made a complete pig's ear of their joint tenure in charge of the club, but who still cannot seriously be asked to shoulder the blame for the current shambles on the pitch. [LNB]    More from Des Kelly... DES KELLY: A fat lot of good it will do to ban Manchester United boss Fergie16/10/09 DES KELLY: Cyberspace is for stalking ex-lovers or shopping, NOT football 09/10/09 DES KELLY: Celebrate the moment but don't push the boat out too far02/10/09 DES KELLY: Yes, Gary, you may be worth £60,000 a week, but is Diouf?25/09/09 Des Kelly: Great joke City, but Fergie has the punchline18/09/09 DES KELLY: Hats off to Fabio Capello and the end of England's WAGs11/09/09 Des Kelly: Beware the Child Catchers! English prints all over stolen goods04/09/09 Des Kelly: It's OK to cheat (when it's us)28/08/09 VIEW FULL ARCHIVEAfter all, it was Benitez who brought in Lucas, Ryan Babel and David Ngog. He also carries the can for the man management failure that led to Xabi Alonso's departure. [LNB]And the crumbling confidence of previously reliable stalwarts like Jamie Carragher is hardly being helped by the inept zonal marking system. [LNB]I don't believe Gillett and Hicks orchestrated any of that. Nor did they substitute Liverpool's only creative threat against Lyon, Yossi Benayoun, and send the hapless Andriy Voronin on in his place. [LNB]When the boos rang out at Anfield, they certainly didn't appear to be aimed at the owners. So although Benitez always bemoans his luck, I doubt there are many more fortunate bosses in the Premier League.[LNB] I'm not talking about beach balls here. The Liverpool boss has to face the same trials and tribulations as every other manager throughout the course of a season. But few of his rivals are blessed with a following quite so willing to blame anyone other than the manager for their plight. [LNB]So while the two owners continue to squabble like Statler and Waldorf from The Muppet Show, neither can ever summon up the clout or the nerve to remove an underachieving boss. [LNB]They have to sit tight, grin patiently, and hope the fans won't abuse them too much before they find someone willing to take the mess off their hands. That leaves Benitez plenty of space to offer an array of excuses to explain why what he is doing isn't working.[LNB] It used to be the fault of chief executive Rick Parry, but he's gone now. It used to be a conspiracy by the Football Association and every referee to favour Sir Alex Ferguson, but I think we can rule that out too for the foreseeable future. This weekend his proposed alibi is injuries. [LNB]Although he has recouped some of that £232m transfer outlay in sales, there is little argument he should have a vastly better collection of players at his disposal than his current line-up. [LNB] Hapless: Andriy Voronin (left) replaced the creative Yossi Benayoun against Lyon[LNB]After all, he has had 76 chances to get it right. Unsurprisingly, he was looking for another exemption clause yesterday, saying we should not judge the strength of his squad when a couple of regulars are missing. [LNB]As arguments go, it had bigger holes in it than Vanessa Feltz's fishnets. The time when first-team players are absent is the ideal moment to judge the strength of any squad. [LNB]The match against Manchester United tomorrow is the most important test Benitez has faced for many a year and if he passes, everybody can get back to shouting at the boardroom.[LNB] But if he fails, it will surely be his fault. It will be down to Benitez and nobody else and there won't be anybody left who will seriously be prepared to stomach another serving of his red herrings. [LNB] OCTOBER 2006: Rio Ferdinand is unveiled as an ambassador against youth crime, saying: 'Kids who carry weapons have their lives changed irreversibly - they kill. Trying to be a gangster isn't cool.'[LNB]OCTOBER 2009: Rio Ferdinand unveils the movie he has co-produced called Dead Man Running, in which one-trick oik Danny Dyer stars as a drug-using, gun-toting gangster.[LNB] What took you so long, Boro? There are moments when you do not necessarily want to be proved right. [LNB]Back in March, I suggested in no uncertain terms that Gareth Southgate should quit Middlesbrough and offer a much-needed lifeline to his club before a rescue was out of reach. [LNB]Boro were patently devoid of ideas. They had taken just 27 points from 29 games, possessed the feeblest attack in the Premier League and had failed to score in nine hours and 11 minutes away from The Riverside.[LNB] I had it on good authority that owner and chairman Steve Gibson would be too faithful to remove Southgate before Boro's fate was sealed and I argued that the manager would have to do the honourable thing and fall on his own sword. [LNB] Out of time: Gareth Southgate lost his job as Middlesbrough boss this week[LNB]Ex-Palace boss Alan Smith, Southgate's advisor, and a friend of mine too, reasonably countered that Gareth was a decent man doing his best and deserved a fighting chance after five years of service and should honour his contract. [LNB]But Boro did go down, the home crowds dwindled and, despite their position near the top of the Championship table this season, Gibson had no confidence things were shaping up to be vastly better. He felt he had little choice but to act. [LNB]Of course, some are now stupidly complaining the sacking of Southgate was 'shameful and ruthless' when it was anything but. All Gibson needs to rebuke himself over is the fact that he acted seven months too late. [LNB] When one red-top announced on its front page that Britain's fattest man lived in Ipswich, my local newsagent Mandy took one look and suggested: 'They should stick him in goal.' Everyone's an expert. [LNB]Roy Keane's side sit bottom of the table - played 13, won zero - and are now in danger of losing touch with the main Championship pack.[LNB] Today Ipswich face Plymouth, the club perched one point above them at the foot of the table. It's a survival six-pointer in October and another setback will shift the prospect of relegation from avoidable to worryingly possible. [LNB]Keane might find a quirk of the English language is that 'slim chance' and 'fat chance' mean the same thing.[LNB] As regular readers may have noticed, I enjoy a bad joke. Inevitably, one person's hilarious punchline is another's angry letter to the editor, but it is almost impossible to make hard and fast rules about humour. [LNB]Take the Scottish comedian Frankie Boyle. For me, his appearances on Mock The Week are sparkling moments of near-the-knuckle brilliance. For others, they are a source of snorting indignation. [LNB]Try this: 'They're building a big tower on the site of the World Trade Center called Freedom Tower and trying to find ways to make it terrorist-proof. [LNB]Charming: Rebecca Adlington[LNB]'I think they should have just built a giant mosque. Nobody's going to fly into that, are they?'[LNB] You either find it funny or you don't. But in the same week that the Beeb were busy ushering the leader of a racist party into the Question Time studio, the BBC Trust were foolishly attempting to wrestle with matters of comedic taste. [LNB]Boyle had described Olympic swimmer Rebecca Adlington as having 'a face like someone looking at themselves in the back of a spoon'. The BBC Trust solemnly declared there was 'no justification for such a humiliating and offensive remark'.[LNB] But it was a joke. Had it been levelled at a politician, nobody would have batted an eyelid. So are sportspeople different somehow? [LNB]I hosted a gala dinner for the northern-based Olympic swimmers a while back where Adlington was one of the stars. Before, during and after she proved to be charming, glamorous and equipped with a sense of humour robust enough to withstand wisecracks. [LNB]She also happens to have gold medals, world records and an OBE to fall back on if her confidence ever takes a knock. Surely, the BBC Trust can find something better to do than unpick gags and draw more attention to them than they ever deserved? [LNB]We should be very careful about issuing official decrees about what is or isn't funny, or the joke will eventually rebound on us all.[LNB] No time for free speech It's been a contradictory week for free speech. No, I'm not talking about that jabbering dimwit Nick Griffin. I'm talking about Sir Alex Ferguson.[LNB]Having defended on this page his right to let off steam and call a referee a bit fat in a post-match press conference if he wants to, what does the Manchester United manager do next? He refuses to take 'silly questions' on the same subject and walks out ofa press conference.[LNB]So the guy who wants the freedom to express his views then refuses to deal with questions about those same opinions. You really can't help some people. [LNB]  Explore more:People:Rio Ferdinand, Ryan Babel, Jamie Carragher, George Gillett, Xabi Alonso, Frankie Boyle, Rafa Benitez, David Ngog, Rick Parry, Roy Keane, Alex Ferguson, Gareth Southgate, Danny Dyer, Nick Griffin, Rebecca AdlingtonPlaces:Ipswich, Liverpool, World Trade CenterOrganisations:Football Association

Source: Daily_Mail