6 other methods Gonzalo Jara could use to distract opponents

29 June 2015 12:01

Chile’s Gonzalo Jara is in trouble with the authorities for – and there’s no delicate way of saying this – attempting to insert his finger in the anus of an opponent at the Copa America.

The rather unsavoury attack on Edinson Cavani wasn’t even his first time – Jara pulled a similar trick on Gonzalo Higuain a few years ago.

But if he wants to freshen up his irritation techniques, here are some others he could try…

1. A sly grab of the testes

If Jara gets bored of exploring his opponents’ anuses, he could always slide round front and check out the ballbag. Vinnie Jones famously used this technique against Paul Gascoigne back in 1988. The two later became friends, so it could even be a way for Jara to pick up a new pal. Jara was actually accused of trying something similar on Luis Suarez a couple of years back. Speaking of Suarez…

2. A vampiric chomp

Luis Suarez and Giorgio Chiellini after the bite incident
(Ricardo Mazalan/AP)

If we can move above the waist for a moment, oral distraction options abound. Luis Suarez has pioneered the bite technique in recent times, most famously when he took a chunk out of Giorgio Chiellini’s shoulder at the World Cup last year. In its favour, it really winds up opponents. On the down side, it can earn you a lengthy ban.

3. An expectorate projectile

It’s 25 years almost to the day since Frank Rijkaard infamously added a bit of product to Rudi Voller’s perm. It would surely be the ultimate mark of respect for Jara to become a Rijkaard tribute act and lob a glob of phlegm into the hair of an unsuspecting opponent.

4. Chuck a boot

If Jara feels spitting is beneath him, he could mind alternative projectile – like a boot. Ajax forward Arkadiusz Milik tried this last season, and got booked for his innovation. There are a couple of big negatives to this one – you look like an idiot if you miss, and you have to endure the awkward, embarrassing moment when you put the boot back on again.

5. An almighty headbutt

Italy's Marco Materazzi lies on the floor with France's Zinedine Zidane in the background
(Jasper Juinen/AP)

Wave goodbye to subtlety and with a Zidane original. There will surely never be a greater, more powerful or more surprising example of the headbutt than the one Zindeine Zidane unleashed on Marco Materazzi in the 2006 World Cup final. If Jara could somehow better it, he’d go down in history.

6. A childish shoulder tap

It’s a classic for a reason – Jara could simply tap his opponent on one shoulder and then, when the unwitting victim looks round, stand by the other shoulder. A timeless bit of physical comedy – and it might not even get Jara in trouble.

Source: SNAPPA