OFFICIAL NOTICE TO EUROPE’S FOOTBALLERS: In order to save time, would anyone who is any good just assume they are required for pre-season training at Real Madrid in July.
MAX Mosley’s glorious reign at the helm of Formula One ends when he is ousted in a coup. Mosley is now expected to spend more time on his other hobbies – although you would have thought he’d want a break from being chained to a desk, nine ‘til five.
THE Australian cricket team reveal that they will cut out the ‘sledging’ of England batsmen during the Ashes series in an attempt to clean up their act. In other news, the polar ice cap is reported to be expanding nicely.
WITH Alex Ferguson safely out of the way on his annual break, Manchester United sell off the best cutlery.
CHELSEA are to appeal against their punishment for unruly behaviour after losing the Champions League semi-final to Barcelona. Apparently they are insulted by a club fine of £85,000. That’s only half a week’s wages for some players.
HAPLESS Lions wing Ugo Monye is locked out of his hotel room when he drops his key down a drain outside reception although, to be fair, he was under pressure from two doormen at the time.
AND NOW OVER TO WIMBLEDON . . .
FEMINISTS voice their approval that this year’s tournament has not brought the usual spree of publicity-desperate bimbettes photographed barely wearing mini-dresses made entirely of strawberries, or articles on tennis fashion accompanied by a picture of Amanda Holden in a micro-skirt grasping one of her own bottom cheeks – to save off cramp after a tight three-setter, presumably.
Here at Sporting Week we are delighted to encourage this trend away from banal exploitation as we grapple with the important issues by applying a sharp twist of irony, deep-fried in gravitas.
SEVENTIES snooker bad boy Kirk Stevens resurfaces as favourite for the men’s singles title at Wimbledon 2009, still wearing his trademark Love Boat waiter outfit.
IT’S ‘bog off to Boggo’ at the All England club as Alex Bogdanovic makes it eight defeats in eight appearances and will not receive his annual wildcard entry next season. There is outrage across Middle England that one of our most promising players in the crucial mid-to-late twenties age group is to be punished in this way. Okay, he’s rubbish at tennis, but he turned up on time every year in smart kit, even though he knew he was going to lose to a younger boy, and he’s never been an ounce of trouble.
THE new Centre Court roof is rumoured to be affecting the quality of the grass. So why not put the grass on the roof and play up there?
15-year-old ball girl Chloe Chambers gets to hit with Tommy Haas on Centre Court after his opponent is injured during play. And pundits reckon Chloe would have had a great chance of making the men’s singles third round if only she had drawn a Brit.
TENNIS fans are keeping their fingers crossed that proper nouns will be included on the next International Scrabble Federation word list as Anastasia Pavlyuchenkova, Usrzula Radwanksa and Alla Kudryavtseva strut their stuff on the hallowed lawns.