ARIES (The Ram)
This really is the perfect time of year to start a family for anyoneon over £100,000 a week. Mind you, when isn't it the perfect time tostart a family for anyone on over £100,000 a week? Just do the kid afavour and don't call him Wayne. Or if you're going to call him Wayne,at least make it the middle name. With his dad's looks, another Shreksequel is surely in the pipeline.
Beware: Of the Spanish bull talker
Beware: Of the Spanish bull
TAURUS (The Spanish Bull)
You feel lonely, isolated and desperate. I'm not surprised -failing at work can do that to a man. Try playing popular songs suchas 'You'll Never Walk Alone' to cheer yourself up. Sadly, results willnot improve during the rest of the season but that doesn't seem tomatter to your loyal customers, who will love you right up until youstart losing regularly to Everton. Chins up.
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Limahl from Kajagoogoo and Milos Krasic of CSKA Moscow make up our peroxide-blonde Eurovision dream team. Krasic scored against United in midweek and if Fergie's bumblers keep playing this badly, it's only a matter of time until Limahl does, too.CANCER (The Crab)
Ray Wilkins was perhaps the most respected footballer ever to operate under this much-maligned sign. If there was a chance to go sideways instead of forwards, Ray took it - regardless of the cost to his personal reputation. So copy Ray and you, too, could gain 80-plus caps for England.LEO (The Millwall mascot)
You're a fighter and that's something which is disappearing from the modern game, thanks to improved policing and community action at problem clubs.VIRGO (The failed snooker player/impressionist)
A career behind the microphone is all that is left to you following disappointments at the green baize. But don't despair. Oh, I've just seen what's coming your way after Christmas. Do despair.LIBRA (The Scales)
Tipping in Chelsea's favour for the Premier League crown at the moment. But remember what Fergie always says: 'You don't win anything until May. Unless you're a competitor in Strictly Come Dancing.' Okay, he didn't say the last bit, but you get the picture.SCORPIO (The former Brazil winger)
He could be the answer to Newcastle's problems. A fancy-dan flyer who favours tights and gloves during mild weather - just the man for the north-east winter and a dour push to get out of the Championship.
Feed him: And the goat on the left will score whereas the one on the right will just get stuck in a box - a bit like the fox formerly known as Francis Jeffers
SAGITTARIUS (The midfielder. One subsitute's appearance for Harry Redknapp's West Ham after costly move from Dinamo Zagreb)
Do try and be happier with your lot, can't you? Not everyone can be the star performer in a team, especially if you're one of the 76 players signed by Rafa Benitez at Anfield. Which means you' re not very good.CAPRICORN (The Goat)
'Feed him and he will score' sang the Manchester City fans about Shaun Goater, who sometimes did, although not when the moon was in his quartile. No sign of any contribution from Robinho in the near future. In fact, no sign of Robinho. Expect further prolonged absences around carnival time.AQUARIUS (The Water Carrier)
Eric Cantona is not your favourite all-time footballer any more, not after what he said about Didier Deschamps.PISCES (The Fish)
The most famous sporting fish of all time was George Best and you, too, must drink plenty of fluids this week before the big match on Sunday. Although, unlike George, not those sort of fluids and preferably not right up until kick-off. With Jupiter in the ascendancy and George in the great public bar in the sky, I'm sensing that whoever wins when Chelsea and Manchester United clash will be top of the table on Sunday evening.
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Explore more:People:Francis Jeffers, Harry Redknapp, George Best, Rafa Benitez, RobinhoPlaces:Newcastle, Brazil, United Kingdom