THAT WAS THE SPORTING WEEK: Star signing or just a star sign? Our guide to sporting horoscopes...

06 November 2009 01:13
Sporting Week pushes back the boundaries yet again and goes astral withthe launch of our Star Signs service, telling you exactly what toexpect from your heroes and whether it's their fault.

ARIES (The Ram)

This really is the perfect time of year to start a family for anyoneon over £100,000 a week. Mind you, when isn't it the perfect time tostart a family for anyone on over £100,000 a week? Just do the kid afavour and don't call him Wayne. Or if you're going to call him Wayne,at least make it  the middle name. With his dad's looks, another Shreksequel is surely in the pipeline.

Beware: Of the Spanish bull talker

Beware: Of the Spanish bull

TAURUS (The Spanish Bull)

You feel lonely, isolated and desperate. I'm not  surprised -failing at work can do that to a man. Try playing popular songs  suchas 'You'll Never Walk Alone' to cheer yourself up. Sadly, results willnot  improve during the rest of the season but that doesn't seem tomatter to your  loyal customers, who will love you right up until youstart losing regularly to  Everton. Chins up.

  More from Tim Chalmers. That Was The Sporting Week: Fergie's many Manchester United misdemeanours; Rio's dance flaws and City sign up the Barnsley pitch-invaders30/10/09 THAT WAS THE SPORTING WEEK: From over-inflated beach balls and egos to Fergie at the far post - a complete history of freakish winning goals 23/10/09 THAT WAS THE SPORTING WEEK: Sporting jargon involving David Beckham, Rafael Benitez, Alex Ferguson and Andrew Flintoff uncovered16/10/09 THAT WAS THE SPORTING WEEK: Exclusive! What Fergie can say under new FA rules.09/10/09 THAT WAS THE SPORTING WEEK: Chunky Tim, Paul from Portsmouth, Barack from Washington and Frazzled Fritz all seek advice from our agony aunt02/10/09 THAT WAS THE SPORTING WEEK: Sol Campbell without his underpants, Richards gives blood and England's cricketers on a sticky wicket25/09/09 That Was The Sporting Week: Kenyon, Adebayor and Serena make a fearsome FIST fight against sports scandals18/09/09 THAT WAS THE SPORTING WEEK: From WAGS to riches - England boss Fabio Capello reveals the secrets of success in South Africa11/09/09 VIEW FULL ARCHIVE GEMINI (The Twins)

Limahl from Kajagoogoo and Milos Krasic of CSKA Moscow make up our peroxide-blonde Eurovision dream team. Krasic scored against United in midweek and if Fergie's bumblers keep playing this badly, it's only a matter of  time until Limahl does, too.CANCER (The Crab)

Ray Wilkins was perhaps the most respected footballer ever to operate under this much-maligned sign. If there was a chance to go sideways  instead of forwards, Ray took it - regardless of the cost to his personal  reputation. So copy Ray and you, too, could gain 80-plus caps for England.LEO (The Millwall mascot)

You're a fighter and that's something which is disappearing from the modern game, thanks to improved policing and community action at problem clubs.VIRGO (The failed snooker player/impressionist)

A career behind the microphone is all that is left to you following disappointments at the green baize. But  don't despair. Oh, I've just seen what's coming your way after Christmas. Do despair.LIBRA (The Scales)

Tipping in Chelsea's favour for the Premier League crown at  the moment. But remember what Fergie always says: 'You don't win anything until  May. Unless you're a competitor in Strictly Come Dancing.' Okay, he didn't say  the last bit, but you get the picture.SCORPIO (The former Brazil winger)

He could be the answer to Newcastle's  problems. A fancy-dan flyer who favours tights and gloves during mild weather   - just the man for the north-east winter and a dour push to get out of the Championship.

Feed him: And the goat on the left will score whereas the one on the right will just get stuck in a box - a bit like the fox formerly known as Francis Jeffers

SAGITTARIUS (The midfielder. One subsitute's appearance for Harry Redknapp's  West Ham after costly move from Dinamo Zagreb)

Do try and be happier with your  lot, can't you? Not everyone can be the star performer in a team, especially if  you're one of the 76 players signed by Rafa Benitez at Anfield. Which means you' re not very good.CAPRICORN (The Goat)

'Feed him and he will score' sang the Manchester City fans about Shaun Goater, who sometimes did, although not when the moon was in his quartile. No sign of any contribution from Robinho in the near future. In fact,  no sign of Robinho. Expect further prolonged absences around carnival time.AQUARIUS (The Water Carrier)

Eric Cantona is not your favourite all-time footballer any more, not after what he said about Didier Deschamps.PISCES (The Fish)

The most famous sporting fish of all time was George Best and  you, too, must drink plenty of fluids this week before the big match on Sunday.  Although, unlike George, not those sort of fluids and preferably not right up  until kick-off. With Jupiter in the ascendancy and George in the great public  bar in the sky, I'm sensing that whoever wins when Chelsea and Manchester  United clash will be top of the table on Sunday evening.

Now why not call our premium rate phone line for news of next week's winning Lottery numbers? Please note: No elite sporting icons were harmed in the writing of this column.

 Explore more:People:Francis Jeffers, Harry Redknapp, George Best, Rafa Benitez, RobinhoPlaces:Newcastle, Brazil, United Kingdom

Source: Daily_Mail