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DES KELLY: Captain Chav John Terry is now England's Daddy Fool

07 Feb 2010 13:51:54

DES KELLY: Captain Chav John Terry is now England's Daddy Fool

So there I am, with time to kill before a long-haul flight, flicking through the magazinesin an airport shop, when I catch sight of John Terry peering out from the front page of something called Football Punk. How appropriate, I think. The 'lads' mag' has the usual mix of bikini-clad totty, sports equipment plugs masquerading as interviews and the now mandatory chat with pretend hooligan and all-round dipstick Danny Dyer. But the Terry piece is the crown jewel of the edition. Shamed: John Terry projected a clean-cut, family-man image Under the headline 'Leader Of The Gang', it promises readers 'will find out what Terry the family man is really like'. And we most certainly do. But thanks to the horribly unfortunate timing of the interview, it is not in the manner they had originally envisaged. Terry is asked: 'What is the best trick you've ever played on a team-mate?' He replies cockily: 'There's been many, but the best one is not for publication!' And it wasn't, not until that judge overturned the injunction. His favourite golfer? 'It would have to be Tiger Woods,' he says. And yes, it really would have to be Woods. His favourite television show? With a delicious irony, he picks Friends. Say what you like about John Terry, and I certainly will, but he does make writing a column a blessedly easy task. Putting these unintentional moments of hilarity aside, he did offer up one significant and misplaced boast. 'Taking the lead in a changing room of big personalities is something I've dealt with. It's not a problem. We have a good bunch of players in the England squad who are honest with each other - and that's how I want it to be. It's not just about me because I'm captain, we all have to be honest.' So how has that been going? This is why Fabio Capello made the only call he could when he stripped Terry of the captaincy on Friday . The faux moralising about who this unsavoury individual had bedded was not his prime concern. He is a pragmatic man who only troubles himself with results. Besides, he hails from a land run by the ludicrous philanderer Silvio Berlusconi.   More from Des Kelly... DES KELLY: Manchester United fans win with flying colours29/01/10 DES KELLY: Cool it, Tev and Nev - and that can't get lost in translation22/01/10 DES KELLY: Surely it's time to send Benitez through Anfield's exit door15/01/10 Des Kelly: Chill wind of debt keeps clubs away from January sales09/01/10 Des Kelly: The age old debate. Can Schumacher and Woods cut it?01/01/10 Des Kelly's Boxing Day quiz: Did John Terry's dad have snow this Christmas?25/12/09 DES KELLY: Our big fat zero without sport18/12/09 DES KELLY: Silence is golden? It depends on who is doing the talking...12/12/09 VIEW FULL ARCHIVE But Terry has demonstrated he has an unfortunate knack of landing himself in a disreputable mess. Whatever excuses and alibis were offered in their brief chat, Capello knew he could not afford another. He simply decided Terry was not 'the leader of his gang'. I'll lay my cards on the table here. I have never believed Terry was the right material for England skipper. Long before this grubby saga broke, I'd heard too many unflattering tales from within the game to believe he would be anything other than a liability in the job and I have said as much on many occasions. Nothing that has happened has led me to review that opinion. On the pitch, he is a stoic centre half. Off it, he has proved to be Captain Chav. There were tours of his club's training ground sold for cash, emails seeking to profit on his status as England skipper and the underhand bid to flog the perk of his Wembley executive box. While he cannot be blamed for the acts of his parents, it doesn't help his reputation when his mother is arrested for shoplifting and his father is filmed selling cocaine. Too often, he has set a poor example on the pitch, confronting referees and undermining the FA's Respect campaign. Then there was the picture of Terry's Bentley parked in a disabled bay, urinating in public up against a nightclub bar, a fight with a doorman and another alleged affair with someone called Shalimar Wimble, who may or may not be related to Orinoco and Great Uncle Bulgaria for all I know. It makes for an ugly scrapbook of seedy and unwanted publicity. Personally, the fact that one footballer has slept with another footballer's girlfriend is about as surprising to me as 'supermodel takes drugs' headline. I'd even accept that his private affairs should have no bearing on his status as captain if: a) Life were that simple, and... b) Terry hadn't expended quite so much energy in the past couple of years detailing his family virtues. But in that terrible Punk interview, he says: 'Most of all, I enjoy spending time with my family, my wife and two kids and taking them to the park. The kids are only three years old and they are great. You are away at hotels a lot in football, so it's always good to go home.' It is another statement he might like to revisit. This week's scandal only served to highlight his underlying problem, if you'll excuse the pun. Terry was simply too dumb or too arrogant to comprehend his role as England captain. Being skipper is largely an ambassadorial duty. Toss the coin, shake hands with the dignitary, hand over the pennant, look proud in the promotional picture, cry when you don't pick up the trophy - and that's it. Which is why all those who argued there should be no judgmental baggage attached to the captaincy were missing the point. Terry's only job as England skipper is to appear respectable. That is all he had to do. Charged with that perfunctory duty, Terry failed in a quite spectacular fashion time and time again. It is absolutely right he should not have the chance to do so again. Well done, Signor Capello. Bravo.  Don't be a brag nag, RogerRoger Federer is undoubtedly a supreme tennis player, one of the best in the history of the sport. I just wish he wouldn't feel compelled to tell us. 'I'm definitely a very talented player,' he said after the Australian Open. 'I always knew I had something special.' This patent lack of humility reminded me of a press conference at The Open at Royal St Georges in 1993, when Greg Norman sat in front of the microphones, and said: 'I was in awe of myself out there today,' as an involuntary gag reflex rose in my throat. The other night I was asked to MC a bash held by Jaguar and during the course of the evening interviewed Sir Steve Redgrave on stage. If ever there was a man who has something to brag about, it is Redgrave with golds at five successive Olympic Games. I duly gave this legendary oarsman the introduction he deserves. But he has never been one to boast and when I jokingly offered him the chance to remind everyone he is Britain's best ever Olympian, he had the perfect answer. 'Factually, I'm not going to disagree with you, but I'm not the type who would say something like that myself.' Supreme champions don't need to brag, the records speak for themselves. Take note Roger.  It's a case of mixed massagesPortsmouth manager Avram Grant has been caught visiting a massage parlour police believe may also be a brothel. It's one way to deal with the stresses of being in charge at Pompey, I suppose. The club itself is currently being passed around various owners like a tragic hooker. Grant's wife, who lives in Tel Aviv, is unconcerned about her husband's behaviour and says he simply loves massages, especially Thai, Japanese and another she described as an 'Australian massage'. I have no idea what this is, but I'm guessing this might be when they go Down Under.  Aston Villa have banned their young defender Nathan Baker from the Carling Cup final after he tried to sell his ticket allocation for £200 each on Facebook. The coaching staff of his former club had tipped Baker as 'the new John Terry'. It sounds as if he's well on the way to living up to that billing.  Shame of Togo KOWhat do FIFA actually do? Can anyone help? Fresh from doing nothing about Thierry Henry's World Cup cheating, they are now doing nothing about the outrageous decision to fine and ban Togo from the next two Africa Cup of Nations. Togo's crime was to have the temerity to return home after three members of their official party were shot and killed. Instead of using up all that moral outrage on the behaviour of another selfish footballer, we should reserve some for the craven idiots at FIFA who are supposed to be governing the game.  According to the slogan, 'The car in front is a Toyota'. This is just as well, since this means it won't crash into you from behind when the brakes fail.  Hyper BowlYou might think we have the monopoly in sporting hype after the events of this week, but believe me we're not even close. I'm in Miami for the Super Bowl, which is easily the craziest sporting spectacular in existence. The Indianapolis Colts face the New Orleans Saints on Sunday, but there is just as much attention on the half-time commercials, the entertainment and general madness that engulfs the country. The Colts are tipped to win in a high-scoring shootout. But back home, you'll probably fall asleep on the sofa after the half-time show.  Explore more:People:Steve Redgrave, Silvio Berlusconi, Tiger Woods, Fabio Capello, Greg Norman, Danny Dyer, John Terry, Thierry HenryPlaces:Miami, United Kingdom


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