Elevenses - Premier League stars as X-Factor semi-finalists

Published: 29 Nov 2010 - 09:59:40

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Elevenses watches X Factor for professional reasons. It's vital we're at the coal face of celebrity gossip and keep tugging the shirt of zeitgeist popular culture.

If you think about it, it's not that different from watching the England football team. A collection of overpaid stars, with out-of-control egos, generally under-performing in front of an expectant audience of millions.

But think about this for a minute. If the X Factor semi-finalists were football personalities who would they be? Elevenses will have a lazy crack right now...

MARY
She's got a big, belting voice, but she's stuck in the past and has absolutely no chance of reaching the top. She's X Factor's SAM ALLARDYCE.

CHER
Mini-Cheryl is a supreme natural talent who's not afraid to stand out from the crowd. She's also got silly hair. But you get the feeling that swagger could explode on anybody who got in her way. Step forward X Factor's ANDY CARROLL.

MATT Average lad, great voice, will probably make the final. But can he truly stand out on a global stage? Or is he ultimately a little bit boring? FRANK LAMPARD eat your heart out.

ONE DIRECTION Four really pretty guys singing really prettily. A joy for the purists, but do they have that streak of ruthlessness you need to conquer the world? Elevenses isn't so sure, and thus draws comparison with ARSENAL'S MIDFIELD BOYBAND (Cesc, Theo, Jack, Samir).

REBECCA She's a talented scouser, but Elevenses can't help notice she's spent the last couple of months standing almost completely still. A bit like STEVEN GERRARD when you think about it.