Morning punters. Any big stories we ought to be aware of today? Anything involving a big-name player and, say, a couple of prostitutes and a threesome?
We make no apologies for leaving Beckham's bits out of it. Elevenses doesn't stoop to those lows - we leave that to Stevie Scandal. READ ALL ABOUT IT!
So let's get started with Steve McClaren's latest trick - a lovely German accent to befit his new role as Wolfsburg manager.
We can't find a decent clip unfortunately - so you'll have to make do with Schteeeve's Dutch accent instead.
Meanwhile, Stephen Ireland has taken a battering in the Daily Mail this morning - for owning 'the tackiest house in Britain'.
Jan Moir ripped into the Aston Villa midfielder's crib after it was featured in a celebrity magazine spread.
Among the crimes to good taste at Chateau Ireland are a pool table emblazened with his name, a hideous cocktail bar and huge fish tank. There's also his pink-wheeled Range Rover and the £260,000 Bentley he brought for his girlfriend Jessica Lawlor to consider.
Ireland had a note weaved into the driver's headrest. How romantic is that?
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Finally, a mention for Germany's latest footballing prodigy - Lewis Holtby. The 20-year-old scored twice last week to take Mainz to the top of the Bundesliga and captains the U21 national team.
I know what you're thinking - Lewis Holtby doesn't sound very German does it? Well it turns out his father's an English military man. Even though he was born in Germany we could still nab him.