Take a stroll during your lunch break today and soak up that World Cup fever. It's everywhere. We're so close you can almost smell that cheap supermarket lager and taste the morning-after tongue of 100 penalty shoot-out fags.
Every shop on the high street is trying to jump on the bandwagon. Even the estate agents down my way are having a go - but I'm not fooled. That lot are far too busy lying and stealing peoples' money to care about whether Fabio plays Milner in the hole.
Flying the England flag is good for business. Simple as that. I think they call it a cash elephant.or is it a cow? An elephant's bigger, so I'll go for that.
As for Joe Public, the World Cup provides the perfect excuse to let your inner chav come out. Wearing an England shirt and tracksuit bottoms, while drinking a can of strong lager and walking down the high street in a threatening manner is perfectly acceptable during a World Cup.
Fancy taking the England shirt off and wrapping it around your waist? Even better. Trousers down, boxers up. Nice one brother.
And as for your haircut, the shorter the better. Shave it. Cut silly lines in it like Aaron Lennon and throw an earring into the mix for good measure. Cometh the hour, cometh the chav.
Then there's your motor. It doesn't matter how much you spent on it, or how it will be viewed by your colleagues at the funeral parlour, you absolutely HAVE to put an England flag out the window.
England fluffy dice can complete the look, and don't forget to hang a miniature Wayne Rooney shirt in the back - the 'baby on board' one can go for the time being.
And with that, it's about time I blasted out the new NDubz tune and made the biggest decision of the summer - lager or cider?
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