Barry the Pro - The Capello Index revealed
Published: 13 May 2010 - 09:30:52
I'm back from Granny Canaria and suffering from a nasty bout of World Cup fever. You gotta love a disease that makes you talk about nothing but football and develop serious cravings for strong lager at eight in the morning.
The big story this week was obviously Fabio's England squad. Lineker's Bar was all over it - you couldn't move for fat, bald blokes in England shirts.
It could have been a sensational shocker of a squad. Fabio did the whole 'Magnificent Seven' / 'Young Guns 2' act on Jamie Carragher and Paul Scholes, and there was even talk of Owen Hargreaves making it.
Hargreaves has played less football in the last 18 months than my brother-in-law Micky the Fists - who's in the middle of a 10-year stretch - but Fabio still fancied him.
Carragher made it. But as it turned out, Hargreaves wasn't up to it and Scholesy decided to spend the summer playing with his ginger kids instead. Fair enough.
And what about this Capello Index business? Sounds like a cheeky little earner for Fabio to me. Based on the squad he picked, here's a sneak preview of how he might have rated the England hopefuls...
PAUL ROBINSON - Ave score 07.00
I do not like him. He is not good goalkeeper. I could do better than him in the goals. He will never play for England again. Blackburn is rubbish team.
LEDLEY KING - Ave score 99.00
Is great defender. Much better than Terry and Ferdinand. If he was fit he could do a better job on his own than those two together. Is better than Ryan Shawcross on one leg.
MATTHEW UPSON- Ave score 75.00
Plays for terrible West Ham, so gets a lot of practice. If not for Upson, West Ham lose every game 10-0. Is left-footed. I like left-footed.
SCOTT PARKER - Ave score 50.00
Everybody says he's good, so must pick for 30. But only if injured Hargreaves, old man Scholes, or Bobby Charlton, can't make it.
CARLTON COLE - Ave score 03.00
Ha ha ha. Not even as good as Heskey!
GARY NEVILLE - Ave score 45.00
I do not like silly beard. Silly beard is not good for England. Do not pick player with silly beard.
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- 'Bazza' lives, breathes and dies football every day of his life, before waking up the next morning to do it all over again. On the pitch his penchant for flowery flicks and tricks tends to frustrate his team-mates at Olympiacos Nag's Head FC, but all is forgiven when he shares his generous supply of male grooming products in the showers. BTP drinks lager and lime and has dedicated his life to scoring from the halfway line. Read him on Thursdays.
Previous Blog Posts
- World Cup fever brings out the chav in all of us
- The Capello Index revealed
- All football managers are bigots
- Do not board a plane with Franck Ribery
- Danny Rose may as well retire
- Typical Germans win football matches
- Who said Fabregas was a lightweight fairy
- David Moyes would have battered Mancini
- Bring on P Diddy at the Palace
- Darren Fletcher is the Scottish Zidane
- My England starting XI for the World Cup
- All hail Stoke City and their long-throw genius
- Ronaldinho could play into his 70s
- Arsene Wenger is the Fagin of football
- Professional footballers are filthy animals
- Introducing the revolutionary iRooney
- Sexy Arsenal are tiptoeing their way to the title
- Not even Gary Neville can save Liverpool now
- Beckham does exactly what it says on the tin
- Ten reasons to love Liverpool
- Englands easy route to World Cup glory
- Why Liverpool should join the SPL
- Cheat Thierry Henry is just like the rest of them
- Save the England full-back
- Why Rooney junior is the key to World Cup glory
- I thought United fans ate prawn sandwiches
- Southgate pays the penalty again
- Beckham the beard is ridiculous