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Barry the Pro - Introducing the revolutionary iRooney

Published: 28 Jan 2010 - 07:23:18

It seems like every 20 minutes those smug geeks at Apple are rolling out an i-Something and brainwashing everyone under 80 that we really, really need one.

What happens next is genius. Millions of people leave their houses like zombies and drops hundreds of squid they don't have on shiny i-Somethings they don't need.

I'm embarrassed to admit your old mucker Barry is among the mugs. i-Phone. Got one. i-Pod. Got one. i-Pod Touch. Got two.

The latest invention from Stevie Jobsworth and his rich-kid nerds is the i-Pad, which looks a lot like the fat lovechild of an i-Phone and an i-Pod to me.

I'll probably buy one anyway, but me and the boys think they've missed a trick.

What the world really needs right now is the i-Rooney. And at a recommended retail price of just £120 million, it could be the first Apple product that's actually worth the money.

The i-Rooney would be the most durable piece of personal technology on the planet. Punch it, kick it like a football, or even throw up at 3am all over it and its functionality would not be affected.

And if you think an i-Pod's easy to use, wait til you get your hands on the i-Rooney. Just turn it on and it does everything for you.

The i-Rooney's battery life would be amazing. And if gets low on juice at a vital moment, just stuff some kebab meat and cheesy chips in behind the sim card and you're good to go for another 24 hours.

And just wait until you check out the i-Rooney football apps. There's one for passing, shooting, tackling, sprinting, crossing, dribbling, fighting, step-overs, free-kicks, volleys, over-head kicks...I could go on.

As Jobsworth might put it, "The i-Rooney brings the end user a multi-dimensional functionality that's unrivalled in the modern age."

Those of you frustrated with the i-Ronaldo, which leaps out of your hand at least twice a day, or the i-Bellamy, which runs really quickly but makes a horrible noise, are in desperate need of the i-Rooney.

Sir Alex Ferguson's already got one. It runs beautifully alongside the classic i-Giggs and i-Scholes, which seem to have been around forever.

"The i-Tevez was alright," Fergie might have said once,"But with an i-Rooney on the go you hardly notice it's not there."

- - -

Nag's Head are on fire. Literally.

After last week's boring 5-5 draw with the Dog and Duck, 'Debbie does Derby' burned the chicken fingers and set the kitchen up in flames.

Thankfully nobody noticed we'd put Dolphin's boots in the deep-fat fryer.



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'Bazza' lives, breathes and dies football every day of his life, before waking up the next morning to do it all over again. On the pitch his penchant for flowery flicks and tricks tends to frustrate his team-mates at Olympiacos Nag's Head FC, but all is forgiven when he shares his generous supply of male grooming products in the showers. BTP drinks lager and lime and has dedicated his life to scoring from the halfway line. Read him on Thursdays.

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