Source: Daily_Mail
Patrick Collins: So football needs more English managers? Tell that to the WI
Phil Brown pinched his nose, shook his head and delivered the mostenigmatic remark of the season. 'I'd like to apologise to the Women'sInstitute,' said the manager of Hull City. 'There was apparently 50-100women going on a march across the Humber Bridge and the incident was unsavoury and unfortunate.'[LNB]And we hugged ourselves in surprise and delight. For this was pureAlan Bennett; these were lines which the greatest living Englishmanwould have been thrilled to compose.[LNB]Two of Brown's players, Nick Barmby and Jimmy Bullard, had been seenslicing lumps off each other in a brawl while on a 'warmdown outing' toa park close to the Humber Bridge. We can only imagine the genteelincredulity of the Hull WI. [LNB]Brown, of course, is one of just seven English managers in thePremier League and he is well schooled in the cliches of his trade.[LNB]'It's a passionate game and emotions run high,' he babbled. 'It's a sign they care.' [LNB]A question of platitude: Brown[LNB]A court might find that explanation singularly unconvincing but thefact Brown could offer it is sadly instructive. In the eyes of mostEnglish managers, football is a game played by passionate ruffians. Theharder you kick, the more you care and the less foreign playersunderstand your caring. It is a nonsense, of course, but that's the waythe thinking goes.[LNB]Naturally, there are exceptions. Roy Hodgson, of Fulham, is acivilising influence, while Brian Laws, of Burnley, displaysencouraging signs. But then, there are the others. Harry Redknapp, ofTottenham, who was once instrumental in buying an FA Cup for Portsmouth, takes some pride in his failure to understand foreigners.[LNB]Of Samassi Abou, who played for him at West Ham, he said: 'He don'tspeak the English too good.' Of Abou's so-called 'mystery ailment', hesaid: 'The lad went home to the Ivory Coast and got a bit of foodpoisoning. He must have eaten a dodgy missionary or something.' [LNB]And of a crop of new signings, he said: 'I left a couple of myforeigners out last week and they started talking in 'foreign'. I knewwhat they were saying, 'Blah, blah, blah, le b***** manager, f****** useless b*****!''[LNB]Football considers Redknapp a 'character', which is a much kinder epithetthan the real world might bestow. But then, in that real world anotherwise intelligent man like Steve Bruce might be reluctant to blameSunderland's recurring misfortune on 'the media'.[LNB] More from Patrick Collins... PATRICK COLLINS: France will be licking their lips if this is England's best13/03/10 Patrick Collins: No sympathy, just sniggers for arrogant Kevin Pietersen's latest failure06/03/10 Even Jonny Wilkinson's willpower cannot halt green machine28/02/10 PATRICK COLLINS: Even Jonny cannot halt Ireland's green machine28/02/10 PATRICK COLLINS: Football does not deserve a decent man like Bridge27/02/10 Patrick Collins: Arsene Wenger's dark side is fed by his fear of failure20/02/10 Patrick Collins: Portsmouth will survive only if it suits Premier League brand13/02/10 PATRICK COLLINS: Capello makes short work of a masterpiece of brutality06/02/10 VIEW FULL ARCHIVE Some of us find it difficult to keep a straight face when discussingTony Pulis, of Stoke. It isn't just the ugliness of the long throws most commentators regularly assure that 'there's a lot more to Stokethan long throws' it's the thought of Pulis leaping from his bath inorder to butt his star striker. The story may have been exaggerated butthe image is disturbing. [LNB]Which brings us to Sam Allardyce. 'Personal criticism is not the road I go down,' boomed the Blackburn manager last week. [LNB]Bumbler: Allardyce[LNB]This from the man who conceals his own cloddish deficiencies withbovine criticism of referees, who declares that Trevor Brooking hasbeen given his senior FA coaching appointment because he has 'amedia-friendly face' and who maintains a tedious campaign againstRafael Benitez, who not only produces superior football teams butspeaks rather better English than the Blackburn bumbler.[LNB]It is said that Allardyce is still ambitious to become manager of England. Fabio Capello is not trembling in his shoes. [LNB]Now, none of this suggests that English managers are incapable of operating at the highest levels.[LNB]From Ramsey to Clough to Paisley to Robson, the precedents are illustrious and persuasive. Yet England is not producing its Ferguson or its Wenger. It cannot offer an O'Neill or a Moyes. Instead, it gives us Cockney caricatures and people who want the ball belted high, long and often.[LNB]There are those who contend that there is little wrong with English football which could not be cured by many more English managers. [LNB]Personally, I doubt they are right and I doubt that public opinion is with them. For they may offer Messrs Brown, Redknapp, Allardyce et al. But I shall cite the horrified ladies of the Hull Women's Institute. [LNB]I rest my case.[LNB] England just can't do without FerdinandIf anything serious should befall Wayne Rooney this side of June, then England need not bother turning up in South Africa. That is the conventional wisdom and it is probably correct. [LNB]But just suppose something happens to Rio Ferdinand. [LNB]The consequences could be equally damaging and the possibility is rather more likely.[LNB]Watching Ferdinand organise Manchester United's defence against AC Milan the other evening reminded us of his glittering talent. He is, by some distance, the finest central defender England can offer. [LNB]But the fears are real, although warily spoken. The back remains a problem which is likely to pursue him through the rest of his career. [LNB]He speaks about it through crossed fingers. 'I just think about staying positive and staying fit,' he says.[LNB]We must hope and pray that the captain's optimism endures all the way through to mid-July because there really is only one Rio Ferdinand. [LNB]As somebody once remarked: There Is No Alternative.[LNB] [LNB]Blame the man at the top for Britain's £30m tennis fiascoA week on and Britain's Davis Cup defeat is a receding memory. Losing to Lithuania was a blow but these things happen. Does it really matter?[LNB]I suggest it does. Because British tennis is one of the on-going scandals of British sport. This is the nation which stages the most lucrative tennis tournament in the world. Every year Wimbledon produces profits of almost £30million, and every year those profits are handed over to the Lawn Tennis Association.[LNB]Consider what a properly run sport, like swimming or cycling, could do with such largesse. Then consider five successive Davis Cup defeats, culminating in a defeat by a nation with an annual tennis budget of £90,000. [LNB]If it were a dramatic exception, it could be brushed aside. In fact, it epitomises the culture of mediocrity which British tennis lovingly embraces. [LNB]Inevitably, there are impassioned calls for what the late Peter Cook once called 'a pointless sacrifice'. [LNB]Fertile imagination: Draper[LNB]It appears that the captain, John Lloyd, is about to depart, which seems rather hard on one whose job involves offering towels, drinks and sympathy to a bunch of earnest inadequates. [LNB]Another Lloyd, John's brother, David, has offered his services as chief executive of the LTA, because he always does. 'I certainly couldn't do worse,' he prattles. Misguidedly.[LNB]All this leads us to the man in charge. Roger Draper was appointed chief executive in April 2006. A man of fertile imagination, he envied the cricket and rugby teams who had enjoyed open-top procession through the capital. [LNB]'I always talk about Trafalgar Square,' he said. 'We'll know when we're in Trafalgar Square, we'll know whether we're winning Slams, we'll know whether we're winning Davis Cup matches.'[LNB]Well, if you should ever find a British player in Trafalgar Square and his name is not Andy Murray, then chances are he's feeding the pigeons. [LNB]And so, after four years in charge, Draper is feeling the pressure. Consider his reaction to the calamity in Lithuania. 'Five defeats in a row is unacceptable,' he said. 'So I have asked the LTA player director, Steven Martens, to review last week's performance and report back to me and the[LNB]LTA main board as soon as possible. That review needs to be swift and decisive.'[LNB]This is the kind of nonsense they teach at management school. What does 'unacceptable' mean; that the result didn't really happen, that you're going to ask for a recount? And the fraudulent undertones of urgency and decision; as if the news that British tennis is miserably hopeless was something more than a statement of the bleeding obvious. [LNB]Of course, there are no instant solutions, no quack remedies. But we might recall what Draper said when presenting his plan in December 2006: 'From here on it's all about leadership and delivery... I will be judged, and we will be judged, on how well we do in terms of implementing that plan.'[LNB]And now we know. The problems run deep and the solutions are elusive. Trafalgar Square is a million miles away.[LNB]Time, I sense, for one more pointless sacrifice.[LNB] [LNB]PSSo, farewell Peter Storrie. They called you the Great Survivor. Owners came and went but you stayed on, your only consolation the satisfaction of a job well done and a stupendous salary. In the end, even that was cut but still you stayed until you could remain no longer. [LNB]'They needed someone to blame and there is nobody left to blame but me,' those were your final words. Bitter?[LNB]Perhaps. But you knew you had played your full part in making Portsmouth FC what it is today. And for that, they will never forget you.[LNB] [LNB]
