Will Tidey - Time for Election-style debate in the Premier League

16 April 2010 08:20
Picture the scene. It's Thursday night and a working men's club in Salford is packed to the rafters with football fans. The stage lights come on and Adam Boulton emerges from the shadows.

"Good evening ladies and gentleman, and welcome to 'Premier League debate'. Tonight's guests are Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger, Michael Cunnah, chief executive of Wembley Stadium, and Celtic striker Robbie Keane.

"For our first question we go to Macca, who's an Arsenal fan from Highbury."

Macca: "My question is for Arsene Wenger. Arsene, I've been following the Arsenal for 15 years and the team have got softer by the season. We used to be a tasty side with players who could kick a bit and drink a lot, but these days we look like a bunch of under-11s out there. Do you really think we can win the title with a load of floaty back-heeling prima donnas?"

Wenger: "Ummmit is sometimes easy to zee things in za most obvious way. The problem for me is not with zee Arsenal players, it is with zee way our opponents approach games against us. They will try to kick us and nothing is done about it. My players are artists and their opponents are.assassins."

Boulton: "Arsene, that's a complete load of rubbish and you know it. Your players are paid to play football and by it's very nature it's a physical sport. Do you want them to be protected by force fields that don't allow tackles?.Answer the question Arsene, do you want force fields at the Emirates?"

After 15 minutes of derailing the Arsene argument and cutting off his lengthy answers on the one-minute mark, the focus turns to Wembley executive Cunnah and the business of the pitch at the national stadium. Boulton introduces a question from Ian, an England fan.

Ian: "My question's for Mr Cunnah. Can you tell how a load of highly-paid toffs were given £800 million to build a football stadium and forgot to figure out if the playing surface would be any good? Isn't that a bit like building a four-storey house without any stairs?"

Cunnah: "Ummm.WellUmmm."

Cunnah gets a predictable bashing, before attentions turn to Celtic's on-loan striker Keane. Boulton takes on the questioning duties himself.

Boulton: "Mr Keane, is it not the case that you have now made three high-profile moves in three years and each time claimed you were heading to the club of your dreams? Is it really possible to have so many clubs in your dreams? Moreover, is it bad luck that your arrival at Celtic has coincided with the club's most embarrassing period in recent history?"

Now tell me you wouldn't tune in to see that every week.

- Will Tidey

Source: DSG