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Premier League club-by-club guide: part one

08 Aug 2011 09:45:47

Premier League club-by-club guide: part one

By Jonathan Liew 10:45AM BST 08 Aug 2011 Comments ARSENAL Summer in six words Fabregas, Nasri going; Charlton defender signed Last season Finished 4thTop scorer Robin van Persie (18)Bad boy Laurent Koscielny (2 red cards, 6 yellow cards) In Gervinho (£11m, Lille) Carl Jenkinson (£1m, Charlton)Out Gaël Clichy (£7m, Man City), Denilson (loan, Sao Paolo), Jay Emmanuel-Thomas (£1.1m, Ipswich), Mark Randall (free, Chesterfield) Most likely phone-hacking victim Tomas Rosicky, if only to find out where he spends all his time What Joey Barton might tweet The Roman playwright Plautus once said: 'To mean well is useless unless one does well'. And if Plautus saw this Arsenal side, he'd tell them to swing in a few pigging crosses. Tabloid headline of the season Water bottle: my years of abuse at the hands of Wenger What are they made of? 50% Arsène Wenger's selective field of vision 31% Veneration of possession statistics 18% Groundless belief that Gervinho will solve everything1% TrophiesWho should own them? Apple - Pretty products that are timed to break down just before the new model is due to come out. ------------------------------------------------------------- ASTON VILLA Summer in six words: Star player exodus, manager nobody wants Last season Finished 9thTop scorer Darren Bent (9)Bad boy Ciaran Clark (9 yellow cards) In Shay Given (£3.5m, Man City), Charles N'Zogbia (£9.5m, Wigan) Out Stewart Downing (£20m, Liverpool), Ashley Young (£16m, Man Utd), Brad Friedel (free, Tottenham), John Carew (free, West Ham), Nigel Reo-Coker (free, Bolton) Most likely phone hacking victim Emile Heskey, to pick up those salacious phone calls from Sven What Joey Barton might tweet I almost signed for Villa. Then I remembered the words of Hemingway: 'Never confuse movement with action.' That's not why I didn't move, mind. They didn't offer me enough money. Tabloid headline of the season Agbonlahor found alive after two-year search What are they made of? 44% A belief that sixth place constitutes underachievement33% Darren Bent's goals13% Birmingham City schadenfreude10% Relief at Nigel Reo-Coker's departureWho should own them? Wimpy - Perfectly serviceable fare, but not as big as they were in the 80s. ------------------------------------------------------------- BLACKBURN ROVERS Summer in six words: Uncertainty, failed bids, excruciating chicken adverts. Last season Finished 15thTop scorer David Hoilett, Nikola Kalinic, Jason Roberts (5)Bad boy Michel Salgado (10 yellow cards) In Myles Anderson (free, Aberdeen), David Goodwillie (£2m, Dundee Utd). Out Phil Jones (Man Utd, £16.5m), Frank Fielding (£400,000, Derby Most likely phone hacking victim Chris Samba, rumoured target for Arsenal and Tottenham. What Joey Barton might tweet I still can't believe they fired Big Sam. There's an old Hopi Indian phrase: "You never know what you have until it's gone." Oh, hang on, that's Joni Mitchell, isn't it? Tabloid headline of the season Kean: every team needs a Goodwillie What are they made of? 47% Chicken 12% Modified starch 11% Breadcrumbs 9% Water 21% Emulsifiers, flavourings and preservativesWho should own them? Go Compare - Their advertising is, unfortunately, far more memorable than the product itself. ------------------------------------------------------------- BOLTON WANDERERS Summer in six words: Broken legs, underwhelming signings, Cahill staying Last season Finished 14thTop scorer Johan Elmander (10)Bad boy Kevin Davies (10 yellow cards) In Nigel Reo-Coker (Aston Villa), Darren Pratley (free, Swansea), Chris Eagles, Tyrone Mears (£3m, both Burnley) Out Ali Al-Habsi (£4m, Wigan), Matt Taylor (£2.2m, West Ham), Johan Elmander (free, Galatasaray), Joey O'Brien (free, West Ham), Tamir Cohen, Jlloyd Samuel (both released) Most likely phone hacking victim Sam Ricketts, given his racing and showjumping connections. What Joey Barton might tweet Owen Coyle has ruled out a bid for me. He's scared of my truth, that's why. As FDR almost said, "the only things we have to fear are fear itself. And Joey Barton". Tabloid headline of the season Davies: only 99 caps to go What are they made of? 55% Spirit of Sam Allardyce 9% Impression made by Owen Coyle 24% Successful Championship players 12% Failed Premier League players Who should own them Dixons. Rebranded under new management, but still largely the same outfit. Fantasy Football: Who will make your team? .at15t_email {display:none !important;}ul span.at300bs {display:none !important;} X


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