Source: Daily_Mail
IAN RIDLEY: From Ashley Cole's pants to Sven Goran Eriksson's next job... my plan for football
Imagine that, £56million. After spending most of that Lottery jackpot on wine, women (and/or men) and song, what football fan has not been wondering how he or she would waste the rest? [LNB]Naturally, many would opt to buy or save their club but where that sum would barely dent the debt, they would probably at least order the best hospitality box in the house. [LNB]Aside from those obvious desires, there are plenty of charity cases in these straitened times, with the game having finally cottoned on that there has been a recession.[LNB] Here is a personal selection of causes to bail out, or things I would like to do, just because I could:[LNB] [LNB]Get him some Beckham boxers: Ashley Cole[LNB]1 - Poor Ashley Cole The bloke is having to send all those texts on a pay-as-you-go. Keeping Cheryl in the lavish style to which she is about to become even more accustomed has clearly cost the shirt off Cashley's back. [LNB]And those underpants? They look like pairs your mum used to send you to school in. Time to order a new posh phone and a pack of Beckham boxers.[LNB] 2 - Speaking of Stamford Bridge, little is affordable there, but it might be worth asking if they would sell you the tunnel for the price of, say, a John Terry pay-off. Then you could stand there on match-days, especially in a few weeks' time when Jose Mourinho returns with Inter Milan. [LNB]Would love to see the adulation for him from those such as Terry and Frank Lampard as Carlo Ancelotti is forced to gaze on. [LNB]3 - A keeper for Arsenal. Well, Arsene Wenger is not going to buy one, so some lover of the game should try to ensure that the Gunners do not keep wasting all their beautiful work. [LNB]Much has been made of their need for a striker but Wenger is stubbornly spoiling the ship for a few million quids' worth of tar in a crucial position. [LNB]If he cannot recognise a top one, perhaps the best of his old keepers in David Seaman, whom he inherited, might advise him. [LNB] More from Ian Ridley - Mail on Sunday Sports Reporter... The lesson of Pompey: A football club is no place for any ego trip13/02/10 IAN RIDLEY: Now John Terry can focus on the real game, not the blame game06/02/10 Ian Ridley: Football is fiddling while the finances go up in smoke30/01/10 IAN RIDLEY: Forget Neville and Tevez, cocky Cook is the real villain here23/01/10 Ian Ridley: Steven Gerrard must stick or twist at Liverpool as Rafa Benitez wavers on the brink16/01/10 IAN RIDLEY: After Togo shooting, let players decide if they go to World Cup09/01/10 IAN RIDLEY: Smarten up, Carlo, or risk becoming a fashion victim02/01/10 Ian Ridley: Protect Lionel Messi and he could become greater than Pele and Diego Maradona26/12/09 VIEW FULL ARCHIVE4 - You would have to do something for Portsmouth, I suppose, but they don't deserve much after getting themselves into this mess.[LNB] Instead, simply pay for a good accountant armed with some decent spreadsheet software and a Premier League rulebook. [LNB]Our man might also tell Wayne Rooney that paying 20 per cent to an agent is not a good deal. [LNB]5 - Radio 5 Live's coverage of the game has always informed and entertained but there are now some serious irritations. [LNB]I'd buy out the contracts of Colin Murray, DJ Spoony, Mark Chapman and Robbie Savage and urge the station to employ again some presenters who are more interested in the sport, and actually attend it, rather than developing their own careers for the TV slots they really want. [LNB]6 - What is it that Stoke manager Tony Pulis annoyingly keeps turning away to look at when he is being interviewed on television? An elephant? A pin-up picture, in lingerie, of Vanessa Perroncel? Whatever it is, I'd bung a steward a few quid to move it. [LNB]7 - Now I can afford to be so offhand, when a manager turns up an hour late for a Press conference, I would say: 'Sorry, I didn't really want to talk to you anyway.' [LNB]I would also get someone to ring my mobile on a cue, so that when a player finally comes off his phone and deigns to talk, I could say: 'Sorry, must take this call.' Revenge is a dish best eaten cold. [LNB]8 - Throughout his club managerial career, Sven Goran Eriksson has cannily been where there is money to spend - Lazio, Manchester City. I would pay his salary at Notts County for a season to see genuinely how good he is. As good as, say, Eddie Howe at Bournemouth? [LNB] Helping hand: Arsene Wenger could do with a replacement for Lukasz Fabianski[LNB]9 - Frivolity aside, I would want to do some real good. I'd happily make up the £5m funding shortfall in England's World Cup 2018 bid if it helped bring the tournament here to inspire a new generation. [LNB]I'd also buy up a huge amount of the over-priced tickets for this summer's finals and distribute them free to South African townships. [LNB]And I would pay for a groundsman in my area - and hope others did the same - to ensure park pitches are kept well. Expecting kids to learn the game on cow fields is crackers. [LNB]10 - You can only have sympathy for certain sad, deluded souls in charge of football clubs. I would try to procure, for example, some class for QPR shareholder and former chairman Flavio Briatore, if Harrods would let me in. [LNB]Actually, Signor Briatore is an example that no matter how much money you have, it can't buy class. [LNB]
