Every year, there are moments of comedic gold that, sometimes prompted, but often not, give fans of the beautiful game something to universally laugh about. The English Premier League has provided some of the greatest and most memorable comedic moments in the history of football – where would we be without Thierry Henry’s cheeky instructions shot at Cesc Fabregas’ ear? Who would we idolize if not Eric Cantona, who decided that the line between footballer and fan ought to be shaken up a bit?
What of the silliest transfers during the window? These moments of madness are what fans live for, and this season is no exception. Here are five moments of comedy that simply must occur in the EPL this season:
The Ref’s Watch Must Malfunction During an On-or-Over the Line Decision
This year, the English Premier League has implemented the newest in footballing technology, revolutionizing the way goals are scored. Yes, goal-line technology has come to the EPL, and with it, a chance to finally stamp out all those cruel goals that go not given. Goal-line technology is something fans of the beautiful game have been asking for, and with any new tech, the chance of something going hilariously wrong is always present! For those who are unfamiliar with the tech, a sensor placed in the middle of the ball corresponds with a tracking system placed on the goal line, which, when triggered by an over-the-line ball, sends a vibrating, light-up message to the referee’s watch. We’ve already had a chance to see it in action during the opening day of the Premier League, when Chelsea had a ball cleared over the line, prompting Jose Mourinho to share a laugh with the fourth official over the new watches. Now, footballing gods, for the love of everything that is good in the world of football, let but one of those sensors fail, purely from human error as to not detract from the importance and value of the tech itself, and let Frank Lampard have a perfectly good goal barely over the line ruled as no-goal. The irony of it all would be too much to handle!
Newcastle United Must Lose Papiss Cisse
It seems that every year, Newcastle United somehow manages to find and nurture a striker of the highest quality, and, each and every season, that striker is sold for a tidy figure. Who can forget the absolute robbery that took place when Newcastle sold Andy Carroll to Liverpool for an astounding 35 million pounds? Carroll, of course, scored plenty of goals for Newcastle, and was in the top scoring pack of the season, but went ahead and burned out, ending up in West Ham one year later. Then, there was the curious case of Demba Ba. Another relatively unknownfootballer, Ba signed for Newcastle from West Ham in 2012, went on to score 29 goals in more than 50 appearances with the club, and was subsequently sold to Chelsea. Now, Newcastle have found another forward of note in Papiss Cisse, but three’s the number, and for a third consecutive year, Newcastle must sell their star striker, if for no other reason than to torment the Magpie faithful even more! No disrespect to Newcastle United fans, who have gone through the ups and downs (literally) of the English Premier League (and the Championship), but the sale of Cisse would be the ultimate trifecta in the art of cashing in, something that simply has to happen this season – maybe, just maybe, he can go to Arsenal, and poor Arsene Wenger can breath a sigh of relief once more!
Luis Suarez Must Get Bitten Back
The hunter becomes the hunted, as Luis Suarez, most famous for his hand-ball clearing, arm biting, (allegedly) racially-abusing antics, finds himself with a fleshy new watch. It’s the headline that would shut down the Internet (not really) with its full-circle folly. Someone, anyone, please, give Mr. Suarez a little nibble next season, just to give us journalists something absolutely incredible to write about. For those who don’t remember, Luis Suarez made headlines last season when he decided it was more appropriate to chomp down on Branislav Ivanovic’s arm after losing the ball in the box. You can find that video right here, which remains, to this day, one of the craziest things in the Premier League’s recent history. If I’m Ivanovic, I return the favour. Alas, it will never happen, but one can dream!
Brendan Rodgers Must do the David Brent Dance for Comic Relief
Prefacing this one, go take this quiz on The Guardian right now! Brendan Rodgers is notorious for being quotable, something that many managers just can’t master. Jose Mourinho was once the master at delivering a perfect one-liner, but compared to Rodgers, he’s an amateur. The Liverpool manager has been compared on more than once occasion to Ricky Gervais’ character on The Office, David Brent, and for good reason – he’s got the “I think I’m funny” charm coupled with the physique to make a decent impersonation. That’s where Comic Relief comes in. Brendan Rodgers must don the white shirt and black tie of David Brent and do the dance. You know the dance, it’s world famous, it’s a classic, and it must be done this year. There’s no two ways about it, Mr. Rodgers, sometimes,for the good of the world, you have to shave around the goatee. Hey, it’s for charity!
Arsene Wenger Must Wear a New Coat When Winter Comes
Last season, Arsene Wenger became a viral sensation (http://footballburp.com/magazine/pics-videos-gifs-the-trouble-with-arsene-wengers-coat/) when he struggled with his puffy, oversized winter coat on numerous occasions. The videos, pictures and gifs made him an Internet mini-celebrity, which sprouted parodies, animations, and all sorts of memes . Poor Wenger was just looking for a pocket to keep his paws warm, and who hasn’t struggled with a coat zipper at least once in their life? This season, Wenger doesn’t have to do a single thing other than walk out of the tunnel at the Emirates Stadium upon first snowfall sporting a new coat, perhaps something a little more fashionable, with open pockets and buttons down the front. No fuss, nothing crazy, just a nice winter coat that doesn’t make him look like a rack of tires stacked up one on top of the other. If he does, the TV commentators, of course, will point it out and a few journalists might pose a question or two about the change in attire during the post-game press conferences, but after that, Wenger will be rid of the cursed coat that made him famous for all the wrong reasons online.