Source: Daily_Mail
Des Kelly: Look away now if you don't want me to ruin the season...
It's tough being able to predict the future. Not that it happens to me all of the time; not like the resident astrologer who manages to map out the destiny of absolutely everyone on the planet every day, often in startlingly vague detail, for a mere 75p per minute from landline or mobile. [LNB]CLICK HERE TO FOLLOW DES KELLY ON TWITTERNo, my premonitions come spasmodically, like heartburn, and unexpectedly too, like the time when that strange man leapt out of the bushes in the incident we promised never to talk about. [LNB]But after staring at another weird ball from which I instinctively averted my gaze (promise broken) I was able to predict that Chelsea would win the title last season, Manchester United would slide into the runners-up spot, and Hull City, Burnley and Portsmouth would be consigned to relegation. [LNB] Told you so: But John Terry and his Chelsea team-mates won't be celebrating with the title at the end of this season[LNB]That's the difference between actual predictions and astrological mumbo jumbo. With sport you have to be precise and state unequivocally who will win and lose, whereas with horoscopes you find more specific forecasts inside a fortune cookie. [LNB]This week my stars told me to 'abide by a restriction while, at the same time, doing all you can to get it changed. You may be nearer than you think to a point where that limitation is reviewed'. [LNB]Since I have no idea what this means, or how it could possibly apply to one 12th of the world's population simultaneously, it is quite difficult to hold the author to account. [LNB]Second best: Ancelotti will struggle to top United again[LNB]However, if I state Roy Hodgson's Liverpool can forget about qualifying for Europe this season, supporters at Anfield will carefully preserve this forecast in the hope they can remind me it failed nine months on, possibly accompanied by references to Uranus rising in my house. [LNB]But the gift of foresight is a curse. When the season starts it's like watching The Sixth Sense already knowing that Bruce Willis is a ghost. So look away now if you don't want me to spoil everything for you right through to next May. [LNB]Let's begin with the opening-day power struggle between Manchester City and Tottenham. Regardless of the result of this first skirmish, there will be only one eventual winner. [LNB]Having achieved fourth place last season under Harry Redknapp, Spurs appear to have settled for the idea they can repeat that achievement and challenge in the Champions League without any significant upgrade to the squad. It's a mistake that will cost them dearly. [LNB]City, on the other hand, will finally make it into the elite. Their expensive collection of individuals will not quite gel into a team, but will have enough quality to finish in the top four and that will be enough. [LNB]Liverpool will start their campaign full of hope and they have the potential to finish in that quartet if Fernando Torres remains healthy. Unfortunately, the idea that the Spaniard will stay fit stretches credibility tighter than Vanessa Feltz's gastric band. [LNB]Unless massive investment pours in before the transfer window closes, it threatens to be a painful season for Hodgson. [LNB]Enlarge Without the money, his Liverpool stay seventh. With it unfortunatelyStock Market rules forbid me from predicting whether China's millions will materialise. [LNB]Across the city, Everton will overachieve yet again and edge into sixth place, demonstrating David Moyes's considerable talents once more and marking him out as Sir Alex Ferguson's eventual successor. [LNB]Aston Villa, minus Martin O'Neill, end up in mid-table behind Mark Hughes's Fulham. [LNB]Arsenal sparkle as the Gunners mount their best challenge for six years with the elegant Moroccan striker Marouane Chamakh in attack. [LNB]But Arsene Wenger will ultimately be undone by a lack of cover in central defence and finish the season in a familiar third place. [LNB]Michael Essien makes an impressive return for Chelsea, but it is not enough as Terry's performances look increasingly creaky. Ashley Cole also has an extended strop after being refused permission to trouble the Spanish mobile phone network with his photos. Chelsea fall short in second place and Carlo Ancelotti begins a major clear-out. [LNB]That opens the door for Manchester United to reclaim top spot and their 19th title. Wayne Rooney rediscovers his fitness and confidence, while the effervescent Javier Hernandez demonstrates a knack for scoring crucial goals in a manner reminiscent of Ole Gunnar Solskjaer. [LNB] Roo beauty: Wayne Rooney can discover his magic and win back the Premier League for United[LNB]At the foot of the table, we will wave farewell to Blackpool not long after the Christmas illuminations come down. West Bromwich Albion will maintain their yo-yo club status by dropping back into the Championship, and West Ham will suffer the consequences of appointing a manager who bows to the bungling interference of owners with the misery of relegation. [LNB]Now, if I get as many right as I did last year, I'll call you from my new Caribbean home. It'll be on the beach, just along from where all those rich astrologers live.[LNB] The biggest surprise about Martin O'Neill's departure was not that he tired of banging his head on the glass ceiling at Aston Villa. [LNB]After three successive sixth-placed finishes it was understandable that he resented more obstacles being thrown in his path. [LNB]No, the surprise was that the sprightly and youthful looking O'Neill (above) is 58 years of age. If he struggles to find a suitable job - which he won't - he could try selling anti-ageing cream. [LNB]Oil of O'Olay has a certain ring to it.[LNB] Steve Coppell abruptly left Bristol City before the season has barely started, saying he is disillusioned with football management. [LNB]People are wondering why one of the most intelligent and pleasant men in the game has quit. [LNB]There's your answer, I think. [LNB] Ian Wright (right) has been sacked from Channel 5's Live at Studio 5 - possibly the worst television show ever made - after throwing a tantrum because the running time has been cut in half to 30 minutes. [LNB]A so-called source complained: 'The presenters can't talk among themselves, you can't have an opinion in half an hour!' [LNB]Actually, having seen this tripe, I'd say even half a minute of 'opinion' was way too much.[LNB] Victoria is not amused...and that sums up this idiocyIf ever you needed a demonstration of why English football is in such a mess, it was there in all its glorious idiocy this week. [LNB]The ridiculous fuss over the exclusion of David Beckham from the international squad truly provided a new low. [LNB]Once Fabio Capello babbled in that terrible English of his that Beckham was 'probably too old' to continue at the top, TV reporters dashed to relay news of this 'snub' to viewers as they stood outside Wembley. [LNB] Over and out: David Beckham was 'retired' from international duty by Fabio Capello this week[LNB]Judging by the hysteria, it was hard to tell whether they were trying to tell us that a player who hadn't been playing for England probably wouldn't play any more, or that the England manager had bitten the head off a kitten. [LNB]Words like astonishing and shocking were being bandied about. Quite how the decision to rule out someone struck by an achilles injury, who will be 37 at the next European Championship and 39 at the next World Cup, sparked such a misplaced frenzy was beyond me. [LNB]But this didn't stop the endless phone-ins, the acres of newsprint and everyone on God's Earth being canvassed for their own banal over-reaction; a farce that reached its nadir when one headline declared: 'Posh Is Disgusted'. [LNB]Star struck: Beckham looks consigned to MLS soccer for good[LNB]Yes, Victoria Beckham had joined the chorus, which made a nice change since she usually lip-syncs with the microphone turned off. On seeing the remarks, the nation's IQ plunged another 50 points and sank further into a cesspit of vacuous celebrity and empty, cretinous hype. [LNB]Here was the England team seeking to rebuild after a dismal World Cup finals and yet everyone seemed to be preoccupied with the sensitivities of a once impressive, but now utterly peripheral footballer. [LNB]People who have been slating Beckham's performances for years were suddenly demanding he be shown 'respect'. [LNB]Meanwhile, inconvenient facts, such as news that Capello's right-hand man Franco Baldini had actually called Beckham to warn he was being phased out of England's post-World Cup plans, were lost in the methane fog engulfing this stinking pile of fake outrage. [LNB]English football was always a daft circus, but this was something else. It was like turning up to see the clowns and the high wire act and then spending the entire night staring at a closed candy floss stall. [LNB]Roll up, roll up for England's great big, irrelevant and bloody embarrassing sideshow. [LNB]There is a media agenda in play now. [LNB]Whatever Capello does he will be criticised. History is being rewritten. [LNB]In the view of some, the fact that England were awful at the World Cup was not down to the dismal performance of the players, it was entirely the manager's fault. [LNB]Capello is being pilloried over Beckham, but had he even hinted the midfielder was still in contention after the South Africa debacle he would have been ripped to pieces for pandering to fame and his refusal to embrace change. [LNB] Snubbed: Ashley Cole walked past Capello at Wembley, shunning his handshake last weekend[LNB]I even heard commentators complain Capello didn't jump around enough when Steven Gerrard scored against Hungary. Had he leapt to his feet, of course, the Italian would have been assailed with sermons decrying his obvious desperation to cling on to his job against a team ranked only 62nd in the world. [LNB]When that vile ingrate Ashley Cole ignored the England manager's handshake at Wembley, some tried to paint it as Capello's fault, as if he were accountable for this oik's lack of manners. When Paul Robinson and Wes Brown announced they were too grand to consider themselves England squad players any more, again this was supposed to be Capello's error. [LNB]The only sensible word said in all of this came from Beckham himself when he declined the opportunity to take part in a grandiose and frankly ludicrous international farewell match dreamed up by some FA spin doctor. [LNB]But, in the end, Beckham departed the international scene in the most fitting manner imaginable - not playing, but all over the front page anyway. [LNB] Sign up to our FREE Fantasy Football game - with £40,000 in prize money up for grabsUnder siege for banishing David Beckham, he has lost authority in the dressing room. It's time to... Get a grip Fabio Capello! Get ready for a shake-up! Man City are primed to gatecrash the top fourClick here for all the weekend Barclays Premier League team news [LNB]
